Dumbstruck Young Buck's Tough Luck: Dry Teat on Crime BeatS

Lo: Remember the Good Old Days of journalism, when NYC precinct houses were full of dozens of grizzled, worldly reporters covering gritty city crime? Now it's just one 23 year-old from the Brooklyn Paper.

City Room wistfully reports that young NYU grad Ben Muessig is one of the last things keeping Brooklyn crime reporting alive. Look at some of the Brooklyn Paper's "wiseguy headlines," as they put their snarky spin on crime!

All sorts of crime in the Slope

They mugged a kid!

Another teen mugged

Whoa, slow down! No disrespect to Muessig, who, judging by his bylines, writes about 2/3 of the content in Brooklyn Paper all by himself. But could this job be done with a little more pizazz? Let's see!

Mr. Muessig then saw a report of an armed robbery of men "selling food out of a van," who said they were relieved of $500 in currency and jewelry.

"This could be the famous taco truck at McCarren Park, which would really be big for us," he said.

Macho Nacho Taco Rocko Blocko Socko!

There was a shooting in a Hasidic area of Williamsburg, which surprised Mr. Muessig.

Shoo, Jew! Whammo Slammo Blammo Gun Fun Blazing Burg Battle Rattle! Acidic Hasidic Licks Shots At Critic!

Then there was an item in which a woman left the Lazy Catfish bar at 2 a.m. on Feb. 10 and took two other women back to her apartment, but she fell asleep and woke up later with with some belongings missing...
The two women - "Both females had their tongues pierced," the report notes - took the sleepy woman's guitar, debit card and some cash.

Hot Lezzie Roofie Molest: Tongue-y Lesbos Lick Lazy Lolita!

Then again, the Brooklyn Paper is already covering the important stories as well as it can:

Dumbstruck Young Buck's Tough Luck: Dry Teat on Crime BeatS