Spencer Morgan at the New York Observer writes weekly about a particularly annoying person or trend. Today he truly outdoes himself, with the definitive article on freaky penis foreskin restorers. Fancy penis synonyms, too!

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Is this really a trend? Eh, doesn't really matter.

Used to be that just about every guy was circumcised but now it's more like half! Plus other guys are using all types of contraptions to "restore" their foreskins, by yanking skin up over their dicks for extended periods of time. Now that the facts are out of the way, marvel at Spencer Morgan's penis wordplay:

the hooded snake dragon...playing pop goes the weasel...the anteater variety...stare the weasel in the eye...tugger-plugger...precious stones...the turtleneck...a mouthful of limp skin.

But Spencer, where is your trademark "Allow someone to painfully kill themself with quotes" graf, in this case at the expense of a 37 year-old guy who proudly wears a foreskin-extending "device?"

"The main thing that's motivating me is-I'm not married and I'm not in a relationship now-but I think it's really a quality of the sexual experience for my partner, my potential partner. I'm heterosexual, and everything I've read, it's really, really important to the mechanics of sex," he said...

"I'm also very much an amateur psychologist," he continued. "I'm a virgin partly because of the church, but I've also read lots of research that backs up the argument that this sexual experience is such an intimate and intense thing, and at the same time marriage is such a difficult thing to make work-that you need to give yourself every benefit possible."

Oh there it is. This is masterful work, penis-wise. [NYO]