Five New Careers For Former Bankers

New York City is planning to spend $45 million to "retrain" hapless laid off investment bankers, so they have some useful skill. But retrain them to do what? We have some ideas!

• Personal trainers—this is already the default second career choice of former Wall Streeters. Why not learn yoga or Olympic lifting from a Lehman Bros. veteran? No good reason.
• Scores bouncers—bankers can't run up strip club tabs on the expense account any more. This is a good way for them to get their foot "back in the door," get it? Also a good choice for personal trainers!
• Bottle service waiters—who says overpriced bottle service in awful Manhattan nightspots is dead? Probably people who have not had bottle service sold to them by trained Merrill Lynch investment analysts.
• Squeegee men and women—the 'gritty' version of New York is making a comeback. Get in on the ground floor of this growth industry now!
• Fast-talking sellers of dubious 'get rich quick' ideas to financially unsophisticated marks—many bankers are already trained for this lucrative career path!

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.

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