Not to alarm you sheep out there as you go about your bourgeois activities this morning, but you should be aware that that the NYU student center food court has been occupied by revolutionaries!!
Brothers and sisters of the proletariat, you must at this very moment drop your bacon egg and cheese wraps and rush down to the Marketplace at Kimmel Center, where a dashing group of Zapata-like freedom fighters has seized control of everything from the Yolato frozen yogurt stand to Cafe Spice's spicy Thai cuisine area. The group of attractive young sexually available rebels is called Take Back NYU!, and their real live demands include:
1. Full legal and disciplinary amnesty for all parties involved in the occupation.
[Ed. note: why do these occupiers always start off with amnesty? Really, is that the NUMBER ONE thing you're fighting for? Because if so you could have just stayed home, problem solved.]
2. Full compensation for all employees whose jobs were disrupted during the course of the occupation.
[Blah blah more transparency from NYU about budgets, etc...]
9. That annual scholarships be provided for thirteen Palestinian students, starting with the 2009/2010 academic year. These scholarships will include funding for books, housing, meals and travel expenses.
10. That the university donate all excess supplies and materials in an effort to rebuild the University of Gaza.
These perfectly just and sensible demands must be met or the protesters are prepared to deny access to easy grab 'n go sandwiches to the entire fascist NYU community for days to come! They have the support of the same hardened insurgents who seized control of the New School not long ago! They're already sharing intelligence about how and when to prevent administration lackey from retreating INTO THE SWAYDUCK! We will stand in solidarity with these young radicals until Palestinians cannot walk into their classrooms without being bombarded with leftover boxes of NYU t-shirts!
"I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man."