As expected, the Academy steadfastly denies the legitimacy of that list of "leaked Oscar winners" currently making the rounds. But after rigorous analysis in Defamer's Oscarology Labs, we've authenticated much more than you'd think.
Granted, this is just one expert's results. Others have preceded, and others are sure to follow. But if there's anything we trust around here, it's science:
· Actor in a leading role: Mickey Rourke
· Actor in a supporting role: Heath Ledger
· Actress in a leading role: Kate Winslet
FINDINGS: Inconclusive, but shows high concentrations of the carbon compound HW, thus suggesting a strong likelihood of accuracy.
· Actress in a supporting role: Amy Adams
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. DNA breakdown shows overwhelming evidence of Penelope Cruz, with traces of Viola Davis.
· Animated Feature Film: Wall-E
· Art Direction: The Dark Knight
· Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
· Costume Design: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Rare genetic mutation known as NOM-13 makes Button allergic to Oscar. The Duchess shows most compatible awards traits in this category.
· Directing: Slumdog Millionaire
· Documentary feature: Man on Wire
FINDINGS: Inconclusive. A well-known Bavarian doctor is nearing a vaccine for this; it may be ready by Sunday. Active ingredient: Sympathy.
· Documentary short: The Conscience of Nhem En
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Cleft-palate recovery is going swiftly and well for the disfigured Indian child in Smile Pinki; her discharge is expected this weekend.
· Film editing: Milk
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. A potent strain of Slumdog Millionaire has overtaken the calcium in original subject.
· Foreign language film: Departures
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Waltz With Bashir tests positive for the Jews.
· Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
FINDINGS: Accurate. (NOTE: High dosages of latex repel NOM-13 gene mentioned above.)
· Music (Score): Defiance
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. The Dark Knight has a formidable squad overseeing its unparalleled purity in this category.
· Music (Song): "Down to Earth" (Wall-E)
· Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
· Short film (animated): Presto
· Short film (live action): Auf Der Strecke (On The Line)
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Toyland's Holocaust cell-count has jumped robustly in recent weeks.
· Sound editing: Wall-E
· Sound mixing: The Dark Knight
· Visual effects: Iron Man
· Writing (Adapted screenplay): The Reader
FINDINGS: Inconclusive. Slumdog bites are failing to heal, may be infected on Reader scribe David Hare's otherwise strong legs.
· Writing (Original screenplay): In Bruges
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Intravenous Milk feed has built category's resistance to Irish germs.
- Oscar Winners Leaked? [Cinematical]