It's Oscars night, and that can only mean one thing: We're comfortably inebriated on André-based punch, wrapped snuggly in a Snuggie™ (and nothing else), and ready to liveblog the hell out of this bitch.
Let's face it—we've all had better years. First Ledger. Then Loki. Now this. But tonight, we're going to ask you to forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, and instead let quintuple-threat host Hugh Jackman —acting, singing, dancing, improv-comedy and puppetry of penis, for those keeping score at home—whisk Oscars' legendary audience of one billion viewers (accurate to within plus-or-minus 989 million) to a happy place, if only for four interminable hours. Enough preamble! Let's get on with the show.
As always, updates will appear magically directly beneath us.
9:02 Okay, guys. That's that! I hope you had a good time. And I just want to thank you all for four amazing years at Defamer. It's been an experience I will never forget.
8:54 WINNER: BEST PICTURE, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. We'll need an intern to confirm this, but we believe that's the brownest-looking Oscars stage we've ever seen. Fox spent their travel budget well—those smiling kids' faces are being beamed around the planet, and should be good for undoing some of that monkey-cartoon bad press. Right, Rupe?
8:52 Is it just us or is Spielberg styling his hair to look a bit like he's wearing Mickey Mouse ears now? Way to suck up to the new boss!
8:43 You bet your fucking ass I'm a Commie homo-loving son of a gun. WHOO! NO ON PROP 8! YES ON HARVEY MILK! YES ON SEAN PENN! YES ON VAN SANT! Dustin Lance Black's face says it all.
8:41 YAYYYYY. WINNER: SEAN PENN, MILK. We've never been happier to be wrong. Ugh, sorry Mick. That tiny Chihuahua tuxedo just got 300% sadder.
8:39 We are genuinely in suspense for the first time in three-and-three-quarters hours. CALL IT. NOW. WHO? UGGGGGGH WHOOOOOO. We say Mickey. There. It's locked in, Regis.
8:32 This is Kate's moment. In the coming days, this speech will be dissected and overanalyzed, but after one listen, we're going to give her high marks for keeping it together, seemingly genuinely humbled, and not making it all about herself. And only two bad jokes—the "well, it's not a shampoo bottle, now!" crack (and actually, it is—go ahead, unscrew Oscar's head, Kate. Garnier Fructis) and the Meryl Streep "suck it up, Meryl—you know it's true" goddess line. In fact, can we retire the word "goddess" from award ceremonies forever? We'll literally take anything else. "Lunchlady." That works. "Look at you all—I just can't believe I'm the company of five lunchladies like yourselves. I'm not worthy." Yeah, that works.
8:28 Winner: BEST ACTRESS, KATE WINSLET. As the audience leaps to their feet, Angelina Jolie orders an unconscious Brad Pitt to "stand up."
HarveyScoreBoardWatch: 2 for 7.
8:23 The ActorTron 2000 spits out five more amazingly well-preserved Academy Award winners. Marion Cotillard decides to forgo the prepared statements about Kate Winslet, instead choosing to express her awe with her contemporary's gifts by luring a young goat onto the stage by rope, slitting its throat, and letting its sacrificial blood drench the intimately placed front row.
8:19 Jerri Blank says: "I got something to say. I've got something to say. BEST DIRECTOR, DANNY BOYLE, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE." David Fincher punches a seat-filler in the chest out of excitement for his lauded peer. Boyle's boyish enthusiasm is infectious, even when he spaced on crediting his choreographer. Oops!
8:16 Apparently Reese Witherspoon was mugged by Jerri Blank backstage, who then slipped into her gown and trotted out to announce the Best Director nominees.
8:09 The In Memoriam segment finally enters the HD era. We begin with Cyd Charisse—begin scoring your 'In Memoriam' Oscar Montage Pool accordingly. The Grieve-O-Meter seems to be functioning, with the needle flipping right towards the end with Sydney Pollack, Paul Newman. WHERE'S HEATH? He was squeezed in last year, but is there some Academy law about not double-dipping? He died in January 22, 2008. Also—no George Carlin. And Charlton Heston barely registered with the audience.
But wait—no George Carlin?! That's an outrage! Oscar controversy!!!
8:04 Can we just say the Japanese directors are totally stealing the show? Even if they don't quote Styx. In the evening's first upset (sort of—we're trying to keep this interesting), BEST FOREIGN FILM goes to DEPARTURES, not Waltz with Bashir.
8:02 Hugh Jackman reappears after a one-hour break. (Apparently he refused to leave his dressing room when he was informed by producers he couldn't be incorporated into the "Jai-Ho" choreographed narrative.)
7:55 John Legend performs Peter Gabriel's "Down to Earth" (Gabriel refused to perform an excerpt), and the Academy Bolly-Hop Dancers come out for some fierce backup on Rahman's "Jai-Ho," his second win for BEST SONG. Rahman is totally this year's Three 6 Mafia. Let's hope he doesn't spend the rest of the night dry-humping Paris Hilton at Prince's after-after-party.
7:49 An insomnia-curing medley of best scores results in WINNER, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE's A.R. Rahman bringing down the house with a prepared bit about his wife, followed by a slow burn that would make Jack Benny envious. Just kidding—that was really awkward. Rahman redeems himself by throwing off his Nehru jacket, displaying a surprisingly ripped physique, and launching into song.
7:39 Eddie Murphy mends fences with the Academy long enough to speed-read through his presentation of the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis. Jerry offers his breathless thanks, and manages to leave without turning to a band member on the stage to ask him how his "faygeleh son is doing in nursing school."
7:32 WINNER: BEST EDITING, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, bringing its total to three. We hope that's the last we'll see of Will, but there's always the chance he might show up in an ad for Jimmy Kimmel Live!.
7:20 An well-Jheri curled Will Smith appears to present the technical awards. WINNERS: ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS, BENJAMIN BUTTON. SOUND EDITING, THE DARK KNIGHT. SOUND MIXING, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.
7:12 WINNER: BEST DOCUMENTARY, MAN ON WIRE. Tightrope-walker extraordinaire Philippe Petit genuinely thrills the audience by balancing his overturned Oscar on his chin—a feat he'll later recreate at the Governor's Ball using Jeffrey Katzenberg.
7:09 Werner Herzog prevents the Documentary Yearbook from getting too maudlin, ending a trenchant observation about the power of non-fiction films to change the world by holding two thumbs up and shouting, "And check out Bad Lieutenant when it comes out—if you love action, it's gonna blow your mind!"
7:08 WINNER: BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, HEATH LEDGER, THE DARK KNIGHT. Phew.
7:07 The reverent speeches for Best Supporting Actor take an uncomfortable turn when Cuba Gooding Jr., currently finishing up on the straight-to-Flopz original Boat Trip 2: Wedding Belles, can't help but mask his frustration over the more successful dude playing the dudes disguised as the other dudes that he'd rather be playing. Yes, we're drunk.
6:53 Wow. Baz Luhrmann just mounted the worst Oscar number since this disaster. It was like something you'd see on a cruise ship hosting the AVN Awards.
6:46 Ah, the Judd Apatow sequence: The Oscars go pot-humor for the very first time—to spectacular effect, climaxing in Janusz Kaminski climbing between Seth Rogen and James Franco for a round of Oscar-assisted couch-skiing. Filthy.
6:35 Winner: ANTHONY DOD MANTLE, BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. Someone just pointed out that Danny Boyle is like a muppet Morrissey on anti-depressants. We couldn't agree more.
6:34 For some reason they're allowing Natalie Portman to present with her ex-boyfriend, Devendra Bernhardt.
6:32 I've just been informed that the term "montage" has been banished to the far reaches of the dusty Oscar netherverse, replaced instead by "yearbook." Which is apparently a far more encompassing term that allows Disney/Summit/Universal to shove their product right into the broadcast!
6:25 Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried share a rare stage chemistry we'd define as...umm....non-existent. Yes! That's it exactly. Also: His hair grows supernaturally fast. Our bubbe once warned us about people like that. She said they're vampires.
Here's a look at the crowd during Andrew Stanton's acceptance speech. How many people can you count: 1) sleeping, 2) fantasizing about suicide, 3) contemplating life in a beanie?
6:17 We need to play quick catchup: LA MAISON EN PETITS CUBES, BEST ANIMATED SHORT. Director Kunio Kato quotes Styx, making him a man after our own heart. ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION, BENJAMIN BUTTON. ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN, THE DUCHESS. ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP, BENJAMIN BUTTON.
6:05 Can we just say how satisfying it is to see Space Chimps represented in that animation montage, set to music apparently composed by a 13-year-old boy from Okinawa.
6:04 JenniferLina CatfightWatch: Jennifer Aniston moves from stage right to center stage—withing queef distance of Angelina Jolie. WINNER: WALL-E, BEST ANIMATED PICTURE.. Aniston is quickly whisked off the stage by a stagehand who looks suspiciously like the one who worked on The Jerry Springer Show.
6:00 WINNER: SIMON BEAUFOY, BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.
HarveyScoreBoardWatch: 1 for 2.
5:57 WINNER: DUSTIN LANCE BLACK, BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY, MILK. Omigod, this is definitely the first person who goes to our gym to ever win an Oscar. We've totally used the pec dec after him! Beautiful speech about equal marriage rights, which is something we strongly back—what with us being gay and lonely.
5:54 Things turn up with the appearance of Liz Lemon and Gavin Volure, both of whom seem to be adjusting well to yet another away-toilet situation. An extremely cool effect is employed to show middle-America how words turn into movies.
5:48 First winner! PENELOPE CRUZ, BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA. She's been given 45 seconds, presumably because it took 23 minutes to read the nominees. A man just yelled out to interrupt her!
HarveyScoreBoardWatch: 1 for 1.
5:45 Five former Best Supporting Actress winners are beamed down via magic LCD screen, and each introduces one nominee. For quite some time. Are they going to do this for every category? Yup, they sure are going into detail. This kind of feels like the rehearsal dinner in Rachel Getting Married.
5:39 This just texted in from STV VanAirsdale via Defamer SMS satellite feed: "OK that was fucking awesome." That's what three extra drinking hours get you.
5:38 What did a Holocaust drama have to do with the Dutch Olympic luge team?
5:35 Hugh has now mentioned Craigslist and pubic hair in the space of two stanzas. We're glad he's sticking to his comfort zone.
5:32 Jackman is disappointingly dressed, and sober. Here comes the first number! It's ghetto—but jokily so. That doesn't make it any less uncomfortable.
5:30 AAAAAAGGGGGGH SWAROVSKIIIII. WE'RE BLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND.
5:27 An old-timey newsreel explains exactly what production designer David Rockwell was trying to do with the set, just in case the sight of a full band on the stage sends you into fits of confused convulsions, leading you to throw a small child or glass ashtray into your flatscreen TV.
5:21 Jack Black's wife seemed utterly enchanted by the stranger with the microphone, didn't she? Cagle then asks Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, and Judd Apatow who they'd save if there was a massive earthquake that killed everyone during the broadcast. That's a festive stumper! The fun's already started.
5:13 Viola Davis just fulfilled her Whole Foods Stress Tabs shout-out duties. Unfortunately, she was supposed to mention Airborne. No million bucks for you! (But free salad bar for life.)
5:11 Wow, Jess—way to shit the bed on the Robert Downey Jr. interview. Yes, that's his date. Otherwise known as his wife,
Deborah Falconer Susan Levin. Don't you run a magazine with Entertainment in the name or something? (Don't look at us, we don't work anywhere.)
5:10 Mickey Rourke had a tuxedo made for Loki. That is just about the saddest thing we've heard all day. (Okay, second-saddest.) Wait—wasn't Loki a girl? Enh, Celine got away with it. Wait—no she didn't.
5:09 Surprise Alert! In place of Oscar statuettes, all winners in acting categories will be given an adorable, poop-dipped Slumdog Millionaire orphan.
5:05 Tim Gunn drapes Brangelina in yards of shameless sycophancy.
5:04 We don't know how ABC managed to score Jess Cagle for red-carpet duty, but all we can say is—we're dazzled. The surprises have begun already!
5:02 You know, without being shown who's speaking, Robin Roberts could be Mr. Jay's voice double.