This was quite possibly the dullest episode of American Idol in recent memory (and that's saying something!!! blah-blah) But at least there were cute boys! Well, one in particular. But the singing? Ick.
The boy was Kris, the slightly-twanged dude who we barely saw during Hollywood Week and who sang, not terribly well, "Man in the Mirror" last night. Basically felled by nerves and song choice as so many others were last night, Kris looked like he was dead in the water... until Simon said he enjoyed it and added "I think the chicks are going to dig you." (cue squeals) This is probably true and maybe he will be saved by the bell curve of the voting body's girl crushery. American Idol being quite possibly the least sexual television show on the planet, his melty-hearted smile and clothes gave him the appearance of a Ken doll's crotch. Which this audience loves. Kris's song is above.
The other would-be cutie patootie is Adam Lambert (left), the ludicrously, only-in-LA coiffed former Wicked performer who thinks he's good-looking or something. He is, at this point,—what with his sneering and RIDICULOUS HAIR (AND CLOTHES) and annoying show-off screeching—right up there with the wretched Danny Gokey (who is named "Danny Gokey"? I mean really.) in the throw-'em-in-a-sack-and-drown-'em-like-unwanted-kittens department.
I hope that Kris is one of the three to go through to the next round tonight, and I hope that Adam Lambert's hairy hopes are dashed. It's hard to tell if teenage girls will find him attractive. He looks like a femmey butch lesbian and sounds like one too, but maybe that's what the kids are into these days. I'd really, really like to see his shocked expression when he's told he's going home. Please make that dream a reality, Simon Fuller.
The other guys—the oil rigger, the poor guy who sang Coldplay and ruined his once-good chances, Curly from the Three Stooges, that Norman thing—were boring at best, and the Duffy-wannabe girls—rasper, belter, other rasper, other belter—were useless, from their pig noses to their sleeve tattoos. I'd imagine that the Megan Joy Corkery girl with the tats will get through, because she's so pretty and the judges lavished wildly undeserved praise on her. The single mom and the pig-nosed and the two black girls will probably be shuttled to the benches and then Jasmine (a chipper 16-year-old) will be brought back for the Wild Card because she's just "so commercial."
So that's my prediction: It'll be Kris and Corkery for sure, and oh... let's say Matt Giraud (the Coldplay squanderer) slipping in there in third. If it's Adam Lambert, I'll eat my hat. Well, actually I'll give my hat to him. So he can cover up that RIDICULOUS HAIR.
Update: Yes that Allison girl was probably the best singer of the night. But! She was sort of plain and her song was boring. That's why I think she won't make it through. But what the fuck do I know, really. The last CD I bought was, I'm pretty sure, Colors of the Day by Judy Collins.