As my final post, I thought I'd leave you with something you could actually use: a visual glossary of some of the most essential people, places, and things from the expansive Defamer universe. Enjoy.
Ariel "Ari" Z. Emanuel is a powerful talent manager and head of the Endeavor Agency. Emanuel is a dedicated activist and passionate opinion-haver; his pet causes include environmentalism, criticism of the Bush regime, and Mel Gibson blacklisting advocacy—all of which he's blogged about in an ongoing column at The Huffington Post.
Assistant beer pong is a competitive drinking game played between teams of Hollywood assistants. It involves the bouncing of ping pong balls into a triangular formation of beer-filled cups, leading inevitably to sloppy inter-agency procreative activities.
Baby eating (also called baby gobbling and newborn munching) is the consumption of fresh nurslings by CAA agents (see: CAA Death Star). An ancient agent delicacy, their fleshy infant meat is said to enhance negotiation potency.
Bee attacks are an infrequent but repeat occurrence on studio lots, resulting in no known executive deaths or stings. Some consider the swarms to be a harbinger of the coming End of Days (see Apocalypse, pop culture).
Ben Silverman Threat Level is a color-coded threat advisory scale alerting Defamer readers to NBC rock star/co-chairman Ben Silverman's impending shitcanning, due directly to his failed efforts to lift the network from last place by resuscitating 1980s junk entertainment about talking cars and steroid-addled pugilists.
The Butterscotch Stallion is a nickname coinage for popular comedic movie star Owen Wilson, used first in a PrivacyWatch submission, and quickly championed by this site as the definitive Wilson nomenclature. As you can see from this magazine cover, it stuck.
The CAA Death Star is the name Defamer gave to the agency's new headquarters in Century City. Commissioned by partners Richard Lovett, Bryan Lourd, Kevin Huvane, Rob Light, David O'Connor and Rick Nicita, the planet-sized superweapon and agenting station was designed to obliterate everything in its path, while at the same time offering agents a more feng shui-friendly work environment.
Cokepants refers to the blow-filled slacks worn by high-profile shock starlet Lindsay Lohan after being stopped by police in 2007 for commandeering a Denali, then proceeding to take its terrified hostages on a high-speed chase through West L.A. She would later deny ownership of the lo-rise narcotic-vessel.
Commenters are Defamer's illustrious, if tact-deficient, feedback-driven readership. At best, their searing wit and valuable insights can often improve upon a post; at worst, they can cause a fallen teen idol to plummet to all-new depths of utter hopelessness and self-loathing—particularly when their questionably motivated, Marlboro-huffing assistants read them to them out loud.
Defaker was an ill-conceived online marketing tool based on Defamer, and used to promote Aaron Sorkin's short-lived network-sketch-comedy-show drama, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Among its many strategic missteps, it allowed for user comments, leading network-planted plot points to stand alongside viewers' savage critical assessments of the poorly received series. (See also: "Aaron Sorkin, I'll be seeing you soon! Posted by: Crack")
Entourage Acknowledgement refers to an episode of the popular HBO comedy, in which agent Ari Gold is led to Defamer by his assistant, Lloyd, thereby lending the site added legitimacy and prestige by merely being mentioned in the same breath as dialogue like, "Is that smirk for me or are your Ben Wa balls shifting?"
Fauxteurs is a Defamer coinage referring to a breed of highly successful and unapologetically commercial Hollywood director, whose rise to prominence has as much to do with preternatural self-promotional gifts as it does with delivering eye-pleasing phoned-in hackery under budget and on time. (See related articles Casting Couch, Starlet-Stuffed Hot Tub Orgy at Bob Evans' Place)
The Grove Trolley is a nostalgic attraction of a popular outdoor L.A. shopping mall, and a useful means of making the 80-yard trek from Banana Republic to the dancing waters if you're pressed for time.
The Gays are an influential show business
minority majority, whose tastes and proclivities have steadily encroached upon the once heterocentric Hollywood norm. Their influence can be felt everywhere from televised dancing competitions to this year's Oscars, where host Hugh Jackman offered Nixon-channeling also-ran Frank Langella an impromptu lapdance, as a half-dozen Indian children looked on in utter confusion.
Grazerhead is the official headshot of Brian Grazer, sent to us by Imagine Entertainment with instructions that it accompany any posting about the highly cultivated superproducer. It grew steadily in size until eventually emancipating itself as a self-sufficient superproducing entity in early 2008. It was later co-opted by greedy corporate interests, who plastered it on everything from Halloween masks to suntan lotion bottles.
Orphan collecting is a popular hobby adopted by A-list celebrities in the early 21st Century. It involves scouring the globe for rare and wonderful specimens, which they then trade amongst each other, either by bartering them, or by using them as collateral in competitive orphan-collector games like Orphan Bowling and Orphan Poker.
Kiefer sightings are the rarest and most precious of all Hollywood PrivacyWatch sightings. They occur in dive bars near or around the trendy Silver Lake area of Los Angeles, and frequently involve the very inebriated star of 24 leading a crowd of strangers in a rousing chorus of Pogues and/or The Clash songs, followed by a shrub attack.
The Pop Culture Apocalypse is a doomsday foretold in the Book of Reservations. It states there will come a day when Hollywood produces nothing but irrelevant boardgame movies, unnecessary remakes, and disappointing sequels, and will test Mankind's crappy-movie-loving nature by the loosing of Satan* to rain hellfire upon our multiplexes. (*Or Lisa Rinna, depending on scheduling availabilities.)
Strike Baby (also the Incredible Picketing Baby) rose to prominence during the devastating WGA strike of 2008, quickly becoming a potent symbol of union solidarity. Also, her poopie-diapers offered a pungent metaphor for AMPTP president Nick Counter's enduring weinerdom.
Antediluvian Viacom Potentate™ Sumner Redstone and Future Galactic Dictator™ Les Moonves are immortal and all-powerful media Siths overseeing one of the world's most influential and far-reaching entertainment multiconglomerates. Both possess laser vision, mind-control skills, and cartoonishly outsized male members.
Sundance Fever is a viral infection that afflicts mainly bloggers and film journalists at independent film festivals; it is exacerbated by cold temperatures, high altitudes, and incredibly douchey looking hipsterbears who dance on podiums. As there is no known cure, health professionals recommend covering the symptoms with as many complimentary Absolut Mango cocktails as your body can hold without actually losing consciousness.
TOMKAT is an acronym. It stands for Thetan-Operative, Moppet-Kidnapping Android Twosome.
We hope that was of some use to you.
Now for some parting thoughts:
I found Defamer while chained to a desk at Lions Gate (this was before the studio had sold the space in their name for a cool $30 mil to a gullible Saudi prince with Hollywood aspirations), and had I not discovered Mark Lisanti's sprawling online epic , I really don't know if I would have made it through. Mark gave me a gigantic break and I'll always owe him one for it. He's also the funniest person I'll probably ever know, and sharing the echo chamber inside Mr. Defamer's head with him for three years was just about the greatest experience ever.
STV and Kyle: You guys are hands down the best there is, but I won't go on and on about it because we're going to continue working together, and that's like the old romcom cliché of having really hot sex with someone you meet in a bar, and then running into them in the elevator the next day at a new job and realizing they're your new blogging partner. Or something. I don't know—that analogy went off the rails somewhere.
Matt and Julie, I never tire of your hilarious takes on Baby Pirates and Dogs with Human Children and various other obscure cable reality shows I'm still not entirely convinced exist. To the GM gang past and present, thanks for your tireless help and virtual companionship. Molls, I miss ya dearly. Nick, my life will be all the emptier without your daily memos filled with indecipherable traffic charts. Oh gosh, the orchestra is starting to play me off. Who am I forgetting? My family, my stylists, my Restalyne hygienist, and..and..and—
Oh yeah! You guys—the sharpest damn readers anywhere. I might not know what you guys look like, but coming to work every day was like being in the best writers' room on the lot.
This isn't goodbye. This is just another beginning.