So the media, financial, and entertainment industries continued to melt down this week! So no one has any work! So your monkey tried to kill a woman! Get over it, America!
Conveniently for internet list-generations purposes, there were precisely ten notable moments during this year's Oscars telecast. And the Slumdog kids won houses and rickshaws!
Then we all Tweeted toward Bethlehem to be boring.
Al Sharpton wrote an open letter to the New York Post, and God wrote an open letter to Martha Stewart's juvenile sense of humor.
Heartwarming stories of the week: Rupert Murdoch inspiring devotion to his children. And Jeff Bezos is bringing laughter to the world! And, uh, bankers! They are like adorable lost kittens, the bankers.
Annie Leibovitz was forced to pawn all her photos, and the internet was forced to pwn Annie Leibovitz.
The media news was as depressing as ever. Octogenarian gossip columnist Liz Smith got canned, we made fun of alll the newly online-only ventures that will fail this year, NBC begged a second crappy past-his-prime comedian to save their network, Lily Allen stole our bit and trashed the Times, and, in the week's worst news, fucking Hosea—Hosea!—won Top Chef.
Traditionally, use of the phrase "moral hazard" meant "I am a douchebag and I probably go out with one of these ladies." But now everyone says it, because of the economy.
The governor of Louisiana embarrassed himself by talking like Kenneth the Page, and then Kenneth the Page embarrassed himself by appearing on a Jimmy Kimmel webisode. Meanwhile, everyone else in America did their Joaquin Phoenix impressions.
There is some sort of scandal at noted up-and-up on-the-level business Adult Friend Finder! Tucker Carlson will be crushed.
Jeremy Piven gave the performance of a lifetime, but, sadly, there were no cameras on hand to record it.
Facebook ads are getting skeezier. Soon they will probably ask you to check out this video, lol.