Despite the fact that there are not enough jobs for people already in journalism, kids still pay big money to go to J-schools. Where will they find work? New ideas for a new world:

Old: War reporter. New: Army Private—No embedding necessary. Write a book afterwards!

Old: Gossip reporter. New: Bartender—You will know everything there is to know about the glamorous alcoholics in front of you, every day.

Old: Sports reporter. New: NBA Superstar—Statistically, J-school graduates are now equally likely to land either of these jobs when they get out of school.

Old: Foreign correspondent. New: Peace Corps—The Peace Corps is still accepting applicants, as far as we know. Knowing how to write comes in handy when teaching English, in Uzbekistan.


Old: Business reporter. New: TPS Reports Writer—You'll find that the upside-down pyramid style really helps middle management digest those TPS reports more quickly and effectively. A good use for copy editing as well!

Old: Media reporter. New: Flack—New graduates could actually have a leg up on getting into the PR industry. All the laid-off reporters trying to switch careers probably pissed off and abused the flacks already; new grads can act like J-school was just a training ground for Corporate Communications.

Old: Feature writer. New: Subway Performer—Countless enterprising young J-schoolers have come here to the big city and knocked out an experiential "Life of a Subway Performer" story for their features class. Now you can cut out the middleman by writing features on the L train, for change. The tunnel between 1st Ave. and Bedford gives you upwards of three minutes to capture your subjects' essential spirit.

Old: Paid Intern. New: Unpaid Intern—Money corrupts the editorial process!


Old: Travel writer. New: Cruise Ship Employee—See the world, free of deadlines and hassling editors.

Old: Underqualified journalist. New: Overqualified blogger—Uh...on second thought, we don't need the competition.

[You have our sympathies.]