This week, Jimmy Fallon made it onto TV again, somehow.

• Jeffrey Toobin maybe impregnated Jeff Greenfield's daughter, which is quite a mess indeed! Jeremy Piven likes to get ladies drunk on sake which is sort of the least surprising news ever. Then Barbara Walters killed Twitter. For crossing her.
• Soon there may not be a Penthouse magazine. Tragic. Who'll continue their respected tradition of long, wide-ranging, surprisingly frank interviews with public figures? Oh, no, wait, Penthouse was the one where ladies actually showed spread beav. We were thinking of Granta.
• Everyone was pleasantly surprised when Jimmy Fallon managed to made it through an entire late night program that he hosted all by himself without, like, imploding under the weight of his own inadequacy issues and constant need for approval. He still sucked, but, hey, nothing caught on fire. Tina Fey did her thing the next night. Meanwhile, on Earth-2, Arianna Huffington and Hal Sparks explained why they loved the '80s.
• Barack Obama speaks a secret black person code and white people don't even get it when they hear it, unless those white people are under 50 and have watched television or gone to a movie or listened to music since the turn of the century. But to everyone else it basically looks like this.
• Kids Choice Award Nominee Chris Brown was charged with beating his girlfriend. His crack PR team was on the case! And so was your celebrity media.
• No one likes Jared Polis, the new gay congressman, because of yoga and blogs and stuff. No one (besides Barack Obama) likes Twitter but for all the wrong reasons. No one likes Tesla Motors. No one cares that Marissa Mayer is really into exercising or something. No one wants to work for Facebook.
• The question, now, seems more "Who do the Watchmen bother to watch?" Right?
• Oh, poor Jean-Claude.
• Hah, remember John Edwards? That guy. Get over it, America!
• The "Real" "Housewives" did a thing, on the tv.
• Jon Stewart declared war on CNBC! He also had a lot of good material on Letterman, as all professional comedians should. Guy should hit the standup circuit again and take a break from the outrage, right? We miss late-'90s Jon Stewart!
• We also kinda miss '90s Keith Olbermann, as he probably wouldn't have displayed his Cornell diploma on-air.
• The Watchmen movie was directed by a complete moron so, you know, it's lacking some of the wit and subtlety of the book.
• The GOP is being led by a self-serving attention whore so, you know, they're lacking some of the popular support and actual ideas about governing of the Democrats.

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.