Also: Britney Spears will scare you, Gossip Girl stars are better than you, Michael Moore will make a fool of you, and Scarlett Johansson will drink with you (if you are an old man).

  • Glorious, crazy old Oprah has warned Rihanna that her singer boyfriend Chris Brown will definitely hit her again. "On my show, if possible" she added. [Us]
  • Gossip Girl's Blake Lively would like to remind you that she's better than you, because you drink and smoke and date paparazzi and she likes to read in cafes and cook food. She added, haughtily, "I'm Blake Lively." [Showbiz Spy]
  • Ten vilified, terrible bankers will finally get their chance to speak out and properly defend themselves, explaining why the Wall Street collapse wasn't their fault. While having dinner with Michael Moore. On camera. Look for the ten dumbest vilified, terrible bankers to participate. [P6]
  • Scarlett Johansson likes to drink with old men. It's a shame that no old men are willing to drink with her. Not because they don't want to. Because it would likely kill them. [NYDN]
  • Britney Spears has lovingly given $100,000 to "clowns with medical training" who will go help sick kids in Miami. This terrifying plan comes courtesy of her zombie psychiatrist. [NYDN]
  • Rapper M.I.A. did not, in fact, name her new baby Ickitt. She says she's purposely not released the actual name. But we hear that she and her husband are actually leaning toward A.W.O.L. Either that or Yucky. [NYDN]