Chimps Plotting Our Doom

Is it any wonder that fewer Americans declare themselves "religious" when the chimps are stockpiling weapons?

Breaking: humankind is doomed! You maniacs, you blew it up! Chimpanzees aren't just writing our economic recover bills and then being shot by racist cops, they're fighting back:

In a scientific paper published today, a primatologist describes an adult male chimpanzee in a Swedish zoo often collects stones before opening time so he can have them ready later on when visitors arrive and he becomes agitated.

On some days, he's barraged visitors with up to 20 projectiles thrown in rapid succession, always thrown underhand. Several times he has hit spectators standing about 30 feet across a water-filled moat.

This is not mere "stockpiling" of the sort birds and other dumb animals do, this is plotting for a "future psychological state," as the chimp doesn't actually become agitated until he sees those stupid Swedish tourists across the moat.

A primate researcher warns us that this chimp, "Santino," is actually just a chimp of average intelligence, and not one of those super-intelligent space monkeys we've been warned about.

The Swedish zookeepers have castrated Santino, in an attempt to keep his aggression at bay, but they can't castrate all the weapons-stockpiling human-hating chimps out there.

And so, knowing that, it's apparent to 15% of the American populace that our foolhardy Man-God is Dead.