Please Turn the Governor of Alaska's Family Into a Television Program. Thank You.

The heartwrenching saga of the Wasilla Hillbillies, the most recent installment of which features the dramatic break-up of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, cries out for a reality show. It could be on VH1.

They could just call it The Hillbillies of Wasilla. Or The Yukon. Or Governor 911.

To catch you up: The romance culminated late last night in a trailer-park interview of Levi conducted by a daring Associated Press reporter. Standing outside his home, Levi confirmed a report in Star yesterday that he and Bristol had called it quits "a while ago."

The Star story that got the ball rolling yesterday morning was a "world exclusive" interview with Johnston's trouble-making sister Mercede, who told the magazine—in exchange, perhaps, for some Oxycontin pills or whatever other painkillers are commonly used as chattel in Alaska?—that Bristol had cut Johnston out of their son Tripp's life. "She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash'!" Mercede told the magazine. ("Yeah, we could name her 'Mercedes,' but I think 'Mercede' just sounds a little classier," one of Mercede's parents once said.) Mercede was the first to warn America of the brewing tension between the Palins and the Johnstons in January, when she posted on her MySpace page that Palin considers Johston to be "white trash" and he newest grandson half-white-trash. She likes to say "white trash."

In a nugget reserved for the print edition of Star, Mercede claims that Palin sent Johnston a text message reading thusly: "I hate you, and when I found out I was pregnant I wished the baby wasn't yours." Wouldn't it be fantastic if it weren't?

Red lights immediately started flashing in the offices of People, which dispatched a reporter to the Alaskan wilderness posthaste. By 5:40 p.m., the magazine had two anonymous sources confirming the report and rather snidely mentioning that "it's common knowledge" so it's not such a big deal, Star magazine.

What an epic waste it is that none of this was caught on camera, that our children will have no Bristol Palin confessionals to watch on DVD, that there won't be a cast reunion where Julie Chen makes us wait for the full hour before asking Bristol and Levi what really happened in the trailer that night when they ripped off their hot mics.

It is not too late, Palins and Johnstons. American Idol is sliding big time. We need new heroes.