Alien Witches Team Up With Giant Squid to Further Devour Watchmen Audience

This was the last weekend of winter! Can you believe it? Pretty soon it'll be summer, and we'll be slogging through big budget schlock about sociopaths in latex and alien witch children. Oh. Wait.

1) Race to Witch Mountain — $25 million
Dwayne Johnson continues to prosper since he murdered The Rock on that cliff that rainy night a few years ago. The film scored well in all quadrants, and though it's about little blonde outerspace witch children, 18% of the adult audience who saw the damn thing weren't even with kids. Chillingly, 7% of that 18% left the theater with children.

2) Watchmen — $18.1 million
As reported earlier, the dark comic book meditation on doom, destruction, and awkward sex in flying owl cars got a stiff rodgering from the alien witch children. It fell a precipitous 67% from last weekend domestically, and 50% internationally. That equals bad word of mouth. Luckily, sorta, for Warner Bros., this wasn't exactly franchise potential. So only one dream was killed. One big, throbbing, blue wang of a wish, dispatched handily by a rival hero, a kiddie-loving former wrestler.

3) Last House on the Left — $14.7 million
A mysterious and dangerous-seeming crowd sought refuge in 2,401 theaters across the country, only to be brutally murdered by Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter—beating people to death with the last muttony chunks of their own careers—and the sad realization that this movie probably shouldn't have been made back in the day by Wes Craven, let alone remade and stylized and re-plotted so the daughter doesn't die. Pah. That said, though, it's yet another strong showing for a graphic horror movie.

4) - 7) Taken, Madea Goes to Jail, Slumdog Millionaire, & Paul Blart — More millions
These four mid-to-late winter powerhouses continue to rage on. Everyone but Madea has earned close-to or over $130 million domestically, while that Tyler Perry flick has racked up a healthy $83 million. Already Fox, Lionsgate, and Sony are in talks to create a superhero franchise in which a grizzled ex-CIA man, a sassy gun-toting old black lady, several impoverished but plucky Indian children, and a fat man on a Segway team up to fight villains and blow various shits up. Alan Moore has happily agreed to write the first screenplay. Ang Lee will direct.

10) Miss March — $2.4 million
A movie from two of the guys who do Whitest Kids U Know did just aight on 1,742 screens. The movie probably cost like four bucks to make, but it has tits and stuff, so maybe could have been slightly stronger counter-programming to the reasonably family-friendly alien witch fable. It's the second-most successful Hugh Hefner project in the past year, after The House Bunny racked up $14.5 million back in August. Keep an eye out for his next picture, a remake of Harold and Maude in which the genders are switched and there are a lot more boobs. Like, a lot more.