The Real Housewives of New Jersey Are Gonna Ruin This Thing for Everybody

We'd heard whispers of it, but never thought it would actually happen. But it has. Sweet Jesus take the wheel, it has. The Real Housewives of New Jersey will premiere on May 12th. Meet the ladies:

On this latest iteration of Bravo's juggernaut series (Drunken Orange County, Grasping New York City, Malapropping Atlanta, Ghetto Fabulous Newark?), there are two sisters, who are married to brothers, and whose brother is married to one of the other Housewives. If that doesn't spell New Jersey better than three big tanks reading "Oil" "Heats" and "Best," I don't know what does. There are interior designers and decorators and entrepreneurs and "one of the first female American Express Black card members in New Jersey." This has to be an early April Fool's joke.

Here are the character descriptions, via People, natch:

Jacqueline Laurita: A former cosmetologist, she is now a stay-at-home mom, but still loves to pamper herself. She has a teenage daughter from her previous marriage and a 6-year-old son with her husband Chris, who owns wholesale apparel businesses and is brother to Caroline and Dina.

Teresa Giudice: Born and raised in New Jersey, her husband Joe owns a successful construction company. Together they have three young daughters, who take up much of her time. A friend of Dina and Caroline, she also loves to shop, get spa treatments and spend time at her beach house on the Jersey Shore.

Danielle Staub: "You either love me or you hate me, there is no in between," says the single mom of two daughters. She prides herself as one of the first female American Express Black card members in New Jersey. She is also active in her local parish and regularly attends mass. She and Jacqueline are friends.

Dina Manzo: Founder of the nonprofit Project Ladybug, which helps children with cancer, she's also an interior designer, an event planner, mother and best friends with her sister Caroline. Her husband Tommy works with his brother (Caroline's husband) at their family's catering business.

Caroline Manzo: She's a mother of three and own a real estate firm and a line of children's accessories. Described as a "feisty spitfire," she's Dina's sister and is on the board of Project Ladybug. She's married to Albert Manzo, brother of Dina's husband Tommy. Dina and Caroline's brother is Jacqueline's husband Chris.

If you jokers think I'm recapping this thing, you can cram it with walnuts.

(Ha Ha! Just kidding Gabe! I'll set my DVR now, sir.)