Bill O'Reilly foolishly recorded an audio version of his crappy old novel, and now his sexiest quotes are all over the internet. "Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds."

In this top-notch sexy clip, our crack video department weaves a tangled, sexy web of Bill's sexiest sex quotes—pro and con! Ha, remember when he had that sexual harassment suit with the loofah and the falafel and the, who knows, erections and whatnot? Reconsider it. He doesn't look any better now, just funnier.

("Pipe.")

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.