Twinkly Jonas Brother Latest Celebrity in Slanty-Eyed Photo Disgrace

The return of China-eyes. Jen Aniston, miserable. What's new? Katy Perry gets peed on, while the Octomom remains bewildered and horrible. Plus, Twilight!!!

  • A picture has surfaced of middle Jonas Joe—the preening, tight-panted gayest one—doing like Miley Cyrus and making ching chong Chinaman chinky eyes. No one knows when the mysterious, Oriental photo was taken, but he's probably in for exactly as much of a world of hurt as Miley was. Which is to say, none. Because no one really has any frame of reference for figuring out how to deal with perceived racism against Asian folks in this country. (Trust me, I should know.) So! On we soldier. And it's sunny outside! Don't forget to wear your sunglasses. [GossipTeen]
  • The Octopus Mom, who gave birth to four hundred children in the last six days, says she's "using denial" as a way of coping with her sudden fame. She never expected it and doesn't want it, she told the guy interviewing her for her daily video blog on new zombie Radar. She then pulled her shirt over her head, breasts flapping in the wind, and said "I don't think I'll ever do a nude scene." [Radar]
  • Twilight sex magick vampire who glistens like one of those sparkly-eyed My Little Ponies when he steps into the sun Robert Pattinson has a patented (Pattinsoned? groan) way of scoring chicks. He lowers his head and speaks in his natural British accent. See fellas? It's that easy. Stop taking matters into your own hands (seriously, stop—you're going to pull a muscle) and go out on the town. When you see some pretty lady just go over, lower your head, and speak in your natural British accent. If it comes out more like a Pawtucket squawk, well... Too bad. [Showbiz Spy]
  • One time, a chimpanzee peed on Katy Perry. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Suri Cruise, rattling, whirring chamber of space secrets, has turned her glassy, knowing seeing devices up to her caregivers Katie Holmes and Klaatu 9 Earth Human Thomas Cruise and asked for a companion. "Baby sis! Baby sis!" she reportedly says, using the standard language for this planet quadrant. It is unclear what the Suri requires from a partner. Perhaps she hopes to halve the processing time it currently takes to sift through the various minerals she must analyze, or perhaps she needs a younger version to 'aimlessly' crawl toward that Army weapons depot, blinking her 'eyes' in rapid succession at key strategic weak spots without arousing suspicion. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Lonely, miserable Jennifer Aniston is going to narrate an audio version of a children's book with her father John. She's expected to get choked up several times while reading the simple, wistful sentences, while she imagines a life filled with babies and fulfillment and the comforting, oaky embrace of a strong man, who would hold her and protect her and her children for all time. Noticing her clear distress, her father will reportedly put his hand on her shoulder and ask "What's wrong, my darling?" Sources say she will shake her head and brush away a tear and say "Ohh... nothing. Nothing. I"m fine." She'll then go to her car and listen to Carly Simon's "Coming Around Again" on repeat, over and over again, just sitting there in the parking lot, weeping into the night. [Hollyscoop]