End of Wentz-Simpson Fairytale Challenges National Spirit

People are planning for Liz Taylor's death, if only because of they were caught so thoroughly unawares by Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's reported marriage problems and Nadya Suleman being called a horrid mom.

  • Ashlee Simpson is tired of staying home with Baby Bronx while husband Pete Wentz goes out and parties constantly. These aren't the evenings she'd imagined with the Fall Out Boy bassist; nights of sculpture, harpsichord serenades and hushed readings from the New York Review of Books. Hell, he doesn't even want to boff in front of the mirror any more, much less discuss Chaucer. [P6]
  • Elizabeth Arden, which has sold Elizabeth Taylor's various fragrance lines, is supposedly trying to arrange memorial ads for the 77-year old actress. On the cheap, since nothing screams "luxury branding" like "pre-death bereavement rates." [P6]
    Jennifer Aniston never would have exploited her relationship with John Mayer for publicity if she'd know she was being used for sex. [Scoop]
  • At least two of the pediatric nurses provided free to Nadya Suleman said Octo-Mom is just a terrible mother, mugging for cameras while she ignores some children (cared for by nannies) for 12-hour stretches in a chaotic madhouse with insufficient security. Also, one of her nannies might have tuberculosis. Otherwise, all's well. [People]
  • Under the court-ordered supervision of her father, Britney Spears isn't supposed to contact her tricky paparazzo ex Adnan Ghalib, so she sneaks him text messages. He's been ordered by a judge not to communicate with Spears for three years, so he can't write back, but instead has to make small talk with her hairdressers, and hope they'll mention something to her. A thoroughly modern relationship, in other words. [Sun]
  • When sweaty Juliette Lewis forgets the lyrics to "YMCA" — seriously? — she tries to distract everyone with an on-stage makeout. [P6]