This week, the press/Obama honeymoon ended, so the press filed for divorce. Next week: hot divorce sex!

• President Obama thought it was soooo funny that everyone is broke and unemployed. He just couldn't stop laughing! (Breaking: he's giddy with exhaustion!) And then Politico was all oh look he's drunk pay attention to us and the bankers were all be nice to us or we'll stop being such excellent bankers and the White House press corps asked him some really asinine questions, because they all want attention too and then they threw a tantrum because Robert Gibbs made them wait for 20 minutes or something. All this because Barack Obama's grandfather made him go into politics.
• Marie Douglas-David used to get divorced from her husband, all the time, because it made for awesome sex. Also the diamonds (v v popular in this economy we hear) were "constructively hers." But now the divorce is for real. Real like housewives. Real like no one on Twitter. And maybe the divorce of Rudy and Judi? Who knows!
• Bill O'Reilly will sent his creepy stalker after you if you're mean to him, so you should probably make like Glenn Beck and erect a 6 ft. barrier around your home. Or make like Glenn Beck and lose your fucking mind. Either one.
• Oh, hey, or you could buy Candy Spelling's house!
• Bernie Madoff: every Jew in the country knew that schmuck.
• Even Google is laying people off! Panic!
• Governor Kindergarten Cop doesn't like his tiny hippie electric car, SURPRISE SURPRISE. He is too big for it. Maybe he should go on Scarlett Johansson's diet?
• Some crazy Scientologist guy consults with the dumb moose lady from Alaska. It's convenient when your targets just line up like that.
• Man, fuck Chili Pepper Magazine. They still haven't paid us for that cover story we did in '06, "Fiesta of Flavor."
• Dave Letterman has a crush on that girl from the show, you know, the show the kids watch, what's the one...? The O.C.? Golden Girls?
• Whatevs, it's got Amy Pohler, we'll watch it.
• This is why we're not on MySpace, right here.

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.