No Celebrity Should Ever Have a Baby, Ever Again

Mickey Rourke dates strange ladies, Frankie Delgado is a jerk, and so much celebrity-baby news that you might just never want to have a baby yourself, thus ending the human race. And on a Monday!

  • Something about Mickey Rourke, we have no idea what, makes crazy women want to sex and marry him. First it was area lunatic Bai Ling, now it's some Russian model/actress named Irson Kudikova. She claims that the two are dating and going to marry and then they will have space motorcycle ruble babies and it will forever rain hats and matchsticks and the Tsars will return, glorious. [P6]
  • Frankie Delgado, that little skunk snake who slither-pawed around The Hills for awhile, is trying to use battered and bruised singer Rihanna for his own wicked devices. After they were spotted chatting at some drafty LA scene spot, he fed tabloids lies about Ri dancing on tables and stuff. He also said that he's secretly in the CIA and that his dad is away on secret spy assignment in the "Mibble East," not just living in Los Feliz with that lady Wendy who smells like pine needles, like his mean older brother told him. [P6]
  • A crazy drunken lady was yelled at by Ricky Martin after she stumbled up to him at a Miami nightclub and repeatedly and loudly requested that he "shake [his] bon bon." Eventually Ricky and his (all male!) pack of friends moved over to the other side of the bar. In related news, your mom had a great vacation. She met Ricky Martin! [NYDN]
  • Save the Children, a charitable organization whose mission is unclear, has issued a very, very important statement saying that the Madonna-witch, a nefarious pile of sticks and hair stuffed into a jumpsuit, ought not to make off with adopt another child from Malawi. Currently the calcium deposit wearing a hat has its eye on a poor innocent tyke ironically named Mercy. Save the Children says "it doesn't help to take one child out of an orphanage to a huge palace and buy them a pony." And they're right. If by "huge palace" they mean "crumbling cottage in the deepest, darkest wood" and by "buy them a pony" they mean "pluck out their eyeballs and grind them into sausage." [NYDN]
  • Speaking of baby snatching, ugly old woman Giselle Bundchen has claimed that the child of her husband, noted American hero Tom Brady, is "100% mine." She says she gets that the kid like already has a momz and all (poor scorned she-devil Bridget Moynahan), but it doesn't matter. She thinks of the foundling as hers. At press time, a group of ten or so men, upon hearing the news, were camped outside the supermodel's West Village apartment, wearing diapers and oversized bonnets, shaking rattles. [VF]
  • Like a revisionist production of Romeo & Juliet set in a deep fryer, pop Lusitania Britney Spears is being kept apart from her true love, paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. Reportedly Britney's dad (and legal caretaker) found a letter, written by Spears, saying "My dad can't keep us apart if I have a baby with you." Luckily for everyone involved the "stamp" was just a "Date Due By" stamp Spears had absentmindedly taken from the library and the envelope was addressed to "Ex Boyfriend, A road somewhere, In the next few days or so." Early reports are also coming in that the return address was simply a crudely-drawn picture of a cat playing Nintendo. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Her plan worked. Nadya Suleman is said to be finally getting some attention from her separated-at-astral-birth soul-sister Angelina Jolie. The actress may be considering sending some money to the tabloid star mother of fourteen. When Suleman heard the news, she was apparently so excited she threw a baby out the window, shrieked for awhile, set the house on fire, and fell over dead. So, problem solved! Nice work, Jolie. [Showbiz Spy]