The New World Water Tastes Like Old Boats and Billionaire Spit

Angry Londoners are having pitched fruit-throwing battles with bankers in the street. The French are making billionaires call riot police to escort their taxis. And us? We're too busy abandoning our pleasure craft.

That nice little sailboat—it seemed like such a good idea when the 401k was up. That little cruiser—you felt like Tony Soprano! Now Americans are filing off serial numbers and letting their boats wash up on the shore, just to stop making the payments.

Kind of like what banks are doing with foreclosed homes in Detroit!

This recession thing really is global. The pollutants that leak out of the fiberglass hulls of abandoned ships eventually make their way into clouds, up the jet stream, and into Europe, where they rain down and are bottled by Glaceau and served on ice to French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault, only to be spit up again by him in shock when his cab is surrounded by a horde of angry workers banging on the hood and cussing him out for his company's layoffs. (The same workers who took a Caterpillar plant manager hostage for the same reasons? No. Other angry workers).

The spewed, polluted recession droplets will be scooped up by evaporation once again and whirled throughout the world. But where can they go to find the even prosperity that water seeks? Asia's mired in a severe downturn. European unemployment is up to 8.5%. Fuck it, the World Bank says the entire global economy is contracting this year, for the first time since WWII.

So flow freely, polluted little droplet. It doesn't matter where you land; everyone everywhere is broke. "Fuck a bank; I need a 20-year water tank." [Pic via]