It was Top iTunes Downloads night on Idol! That means modern, hip, fresh songs, right? Songs like "Play that Funk Music White Boy" and "Surrender". Wait, what? Where's the Leona Lewis?
Yeah. Some songs were contemporary, like Matt Giraud's cover of a Fray song and Anoop's Urrrsher pastiche, but Adam Lambert, Scott Whosie, Lil Rounds, Kris Allen and Megan Joy all sang old ditties. I don't even know what Gokey sang. Who cares, though.
Kris Allen. Ohhh Kris. He sang "Ain't No Sunshine" with a perfect mix of purring and growling, seated sedately back there behind a piano (for the first time). It was a near perfect performance and would totally sell iTunes downloads or whatever, and Kris looks like a delicious chocolate chip cookie, and yet... the judges calmly said "It was very good" and then moved on. Poor Allison got it even worse. Her "Don't Speak" was good, not her best, but good. People would buy that damn record. And yet all the judges, who have been sabotaging her near since day one, could muster was: "Your outfit is terrible." The minute that Randy busted that out first, so obviously reading from a script, I just put my head in my hands. That's the problem. They can't really make any valid criticism of Allison because what could they tell her that wouldn't apply, almost exactly, to the far weaker judges' favorite Lil Rounds? There's really nothing, so they're forced to have the stylist make the poor girl look terrible so they can then harp on that. For shame. And I don't mean that ironically. Really, for shame. It's just gotten pathetic.
Pretty much everyone else blew. Matt's Fray cover was wannabe and ape-ish, plus he looked like a complete arrogant prick in the little "Idols go to Seacrest's radio show" segment. Megan Joy is a completely lost cause (DialIdol has her going home this week). Anoop is a party trick that got boring about three episodes ago (Kara, for once in her miserable life, was totally spot on when she said that it's as if a bunch of frat guys dared him to sing Usher). Lil Rounds sounded terrible. The judges are really making asses of themselves with their effusive praise of her vocals. Sure they dinged her a bit for going all adult-contempo last night, but they also just Kept. Reminding. America. that she's a REALLY GOOD SINGER, WE PROMISE. I have no idea why they've attached themselves so heartily to her. Maybe they figure she'll be a good second-placer. I.E. an easy person for their desired victor to beat at the end. That ideal winner would still appear to be the wretched cruise ship-crooner Danny Gokey. I know that my harping on him is getting to be about as boring as the judges' felating, but seriously. From a commercial standpoint, is Gokey really that viable a pop success that you'd be willing to toss a whole season's worth of credibility into the pool, like so many golden tickets, just to pimp this one bespectacled old yeller? I guess they spoke with the devil and the devil said yes.
Requisite Adam Lambert Head Scratch
What a fun, contemporary song "Play that Funky Music White Boy" is. How arch and clever of you, young Lambert. At this point I'm getting as shoulder shruggy and resigned about Lambs' success as Simon is. It was weird. It will never sell. It's vocal acrobatics, not singing. But oh well. People love a weirdo sometimes. So, good on you. It'd be nice to see Adam actually sing one time, just one time, in this competition, but I guess that's asking a lot of someone on a singing competition television show. And the clothes. It was like Paula Poundstone and Vic the Slick from Carmen Sandiego had a child and then sold it to an Indian casino. Sigh.
Goodbye To You Old Friend!
Yes, Megan Joy's honky-awkward mangling of a Bob Marley song will probably win her a ticket back to Shittsville Corners, or wherever she's from. She'll be fine, tho. She's real purty like and could do modeling and, hey, maybe she acts! One Tree Hill is always looking for more vapid strange-o's to throw in front of a camera. If not Megan, I would normally predict Scott. But singing Billy Joel behind a piano always wins votes. So darkhorse to go home? Allison. Yikes.