New beginnings can be heartbreaking: John Mayer's new breakup song sounds ridiculous and transparent, but Paris Hilton's brother's new life plan is even worse. Way worse.
- Paris' brother Barron Nicholas Hilton, 19, wants to be known for something substantive following his sad youth. "It's time to get this [bleep] started," he told Page Six. So he's "developing" a reality show with Viacom and becoming "an international singer-songwriter" using whatever, like, international-singer-songwriter program came with his iMac. They do say: the journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single step, taken impulsively by someone who can afford to fly that far First Class and have plenty of trust-fund allowance left over for bottle service.
- John Mayer wrote a new breakup song about a woman who is obsessed with another man and can communicate only indirectly, for example through national tabloid magazines. Jennifer Aniston, meanwhile, is still seeking funding for her movie about a sad rocker who exploits his dating life in a cheap bid to sell more songs. [People]
- Chelsea Clinton officially denied she's planning a secret wedding this summer with her i-banker boyfriend, even though they've been friends with for 16 years and it would be kind of adorable. Then Lindsay Lohan officially denied she's secretly broken up with Samantha Ronson, even though they've been fighting for 437 years and it would be a huge relief to the rest of the world if they stopped.
- Madonna's lawyer said no "law in Malawi... can stop this adoption." Then he challenged a brigade of Malawi commandoes to a dance off. [Us]
- Britney Spears' plan for contacting her slimy, forbidden ex-boyfriend was to collect a secret phone from his proxy in a hotel sauna while her mom worked out in the adjoining gym. The phone was later confiscated from her purse. Most pathetic. Spy movie. Ever. [People]