Oh hey did you hear that the Obamas went to England? They met the queen! And crappy presents notwithstanding, it was such a god damn regal moment that the world media, en masse, orgasmed.

Global leaders are meeting at the G20, but the world is fucked regardless. So vapidity it is! Not to get off the important topics of "economic collapse" and "Michelle Obama's arms," but where is the glamorous Carla Bruni?!?!?

The glamorous Carla Bruni, my friends, did not attend the G20 with her Frenchman Nikolas Sarkozy, because she is so sexy that the guys just simply would not be able to get any work done if she was around, much like the gays in the military situation. True fact! And after Buckingham Palace went to so much trouble: "the footmen had been asked to handpick lint, cotton and dust specks from the red carpet in the lull between cars."

Alas and alack. The noble press found other areas upon which to focus their attention:

In the absence of Carla Bruni however, the leader who elicited the most comment from the phalanx of press was the Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi for the depth of his improbable hairline.

This has been your Global Economic Report.