Media trend story experts have discovered that crippling economic insecurity causes people anxiety, which results in an uptick in visits to psychiatrists and yoga studios, thereby boosting the economy and demonstrating the perfection of capitalism, in a reassuring way.
Another positive development: Americans always have a fallback career waiting for them—hot dog sales. Frankfurters for $1 are the "Apples for a nickel" of this new depression! Former professionals are reportedly moving into this dynamic food distribution industry in droves, boosting the sales of both Hot Dog carts and cardiopulmonary care, and putting a smile on the faces of poor children everywhere, who can dream of one day being able to purchase a wiener of their very own.
The government is pitching in to help as well. In LA, the county supervisors have graciously agreed to forgo their years-long practice of having a worker buy bottled water, peel off the labels, print new labels with the LA county logo, affix these new labels to the water bottles, and distribute them to supervisors to drink during meetings. Now they'll just drink water out of cups. Shared sacrifice will pull us through.