Madonna Should Just Adopt One of the Duggar Children

Madonna and Jolie want more babies, tennis players are lesbians, American Girls: Changes for Whitney, Miley Cyrus is a literary scholar, and Chris Brown is dating again. Shame.

  • Did you know that Martina Navratilova is a lesbian? A big hairy tennis lesbian. Who does lesbian things with other lesbians. Lesbians like Toni Layton, a lesbian. Lesbian. Thank you, Page Six, for clearing that up with your awesome headline. [P6]
  • Shockingly, Jason Statham feels uncomfortable having public sex in shopping malls. For me, it takes an international airport terminal to get bashful. [P6]
  • Whitney Port, of The City, no longer works at Creaky Tallulah Pants' Slack Shack Diane von Furstenberg, which was the reason she moved to The (New York) City in the first place. The wicked Decepticon Olivia Palermo beat her out for a fancy fashion job at Old Lady Puffenstuff's Hosiery Concern DVF, so Whitney mooped back over to Kelly Cutrone's People's Revolution for the second season, currently filming. There she'll play the tambourine, Melody-style, in Joe Zee's Pussycats band. [P6]
  • Did you know that Alice in Wonderland is "perverted" and "all about Ecstasy"? It is. Noted historian Miley Cyrus recently took off her reading glasses and leaned over the desk and informed us of this fascinating fact. Never mind that Ecstasy was invented like a hundred years after the book was written and some forty after the movie was made. That's science history, not Jesus history. And Billy Ray says Jesus history is the history of the Cyrus clan. West Side Story is about lasers and the original Parent Trap is about incest space twins who do each other in a black hole. [P6]
  • Uh oh. Lady-beater Chris Brown has reportedly started dating again. His new squeeze is a college student from Virginia who Chris had blow him in his trailer after a concert met while visiting home. She's apparently "no Rihanna", plain but "cute", "solid", and has "a good head on her shoulders." Such a good head, in fact, that the student—who should be in school!—was spotted with Brown, trotting around LA and going to tattoo parlors. Brown reportedly just got a tattoo that said: "Your name here." [NYDN]
  • Like Imelda Marcos hungrily eying a pair of shoes just gleaming there in the window, baby-mad raven-woman Angelika Jorlee has set her sights on the children of the Philippines. She tried recently to adopt a baby from Burma Myanmar wait, Burma? but was shut the hell down. Luckily Jolson speaks Tagalog and was a member of the Flipmode Squad when she was in high school. So this oughta be a snap. [NYDN]
  • Speaking of baby snatchers, the terrible Maddona witch has taken a stick, black as coal, and scratched it on an old piece of parchment. The script appeared blood red on the paper, and spelled out an impassioned letter to the people of Malawi, pleading them to let her adopt baby Mercy. "I want to provide Mercy with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and healthcare possible," the letter insisted. Then it took a terrifying turn. "I also want her to eats worms and sing Bonobo songs backwards and I want her to carry little sachets of bones on her belt and sometimes she will appear to float and other times her eyes will glow, dark black, and she will whisper to you when you are asleep and a thousand miles away and she will tell you to do wicked deeds and when you wake the next morning you will do them. Your neighbors' chickens will die, their wives go barren. And it will be all the doing of the, ironically named, I know, Mercy. Then, when she comes of age, I will eat her, while cackling and moaning, gristle and blood and hair and bits tumbling out of my snarled, fang-filled mouth. So, you know, please Malawi, please just try to see it from my side. Thx!! xoxo, Maddy." [Us]
  • Gross on toast. That horrifying Duggar family—the horrid religio-nut hillbillies from Arkansas with 18 children—are reproducing again. Though this time it's oldest son Joshua who had a furtive, shame-filled, sweaty fucking and gurgle-wept into a pillow afterward. He's gone and gotten his new child bride Anna, 20, pregnant. They were on the Today show this morning and your dedicated gossip roundupper was maybe putting his socks on and dry-heaving. Sometimes when Joshua is driving down the road in his enormous, stupid, needless pickup truck he'll get quick flashes of that night—the boobs and the precious opening and other pink, mealy things, the slapping and squishing, the sighs and grunts—and he'll suddenly burst into giddy, worried, farting tears and have to pull over to the side of the road, put his head between his knees, take deep breaths, and pray. It's just too much. [People]