God Save Us From Japan's Farmer Shock TroopsS

The economy of Britain—fancy Britain!—is doing so poorly that the government might have to ask for help from the International Monetary Fund. Shit. The smart countries have already regressed to agrarianism.

Japan knows what time it is. The country is rounding up jobless urbanites and sending them out in the countryside to become farmers. They make $1,500 a month and get dirty and complain and are probably as useless as Peace Corps members when they first get there, but at least they're increasing the national supply of precious radishes, rather than drawing it down while wasting days in Tokyo coffeeshops playing with digital pocket pets and dreaming up get rich quick schemes involving new forms of pornography.

Can we here in America the Once Beautiful say the same? I fear not. Our wealthy money managers are locked up in fraud cases, and our toniest real estate is dropping into alarmingly affordable territory.

So who, who will have the economic strength to challenge the Japanese and their bean farming powerhouse? The Swiss? Their biggest bank is cutting thousands of jobs. The South Koreans? They're all looking for work. The Spanish? They're totally out of money, period.

It's up to you, affable New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan. Swing your hammer, sir. Not just for Jesus—swing it for justice. Bean justice.
[Pic via]