We Must Destroy Somalia to Honor Our Brave Seamen

Break out the confetti and American Flag sheet cakes, because the heroic crew of the ship jacked by pirates is back in the USA! A nation celebrates, on instinct. Meanwhile, the pirates are talking shit!

The crew of the Maersk Alabama arrived back in the US, to "the gratitude of a nation," reportedly, although it's unclear why that would be the case. Captain Richard Phillips, the hostage-in-chief, reached dry land in Kenya, with "Sweet Home Alabama" playing at the dock. For real!

Hillary Clinton, our secretary of state who has, disappointingly, never been pursued by pirates, said the international community is planning on freezing the assets of pirates, to fight them. Is that some sort of "Freezing your ass—in the morgue!" joke? Let's hope so. Because it doesn't sound all that scary. Especially when said "assets" are two million dollars in cash bricks, dropped by a helicopter onto the deck of a hijacked freighter in international waters. Anyhow. The media continues to have success goading brash young Somalians into saying dumb things:

A pirate said Wednesday that his gang was targeting American ships and sailors.

"We will seek out the Americans, and if we capture them we will slaughter them," said a 25-year-old Somali who gave only his first name, Ismail.

Anything some 25 year-old dude says to impress a foreign wire reporter might as well be pirate national policy, and we must fight back, with patriotic insanity.
[Pic via]