Everybody's Home Doing Tae-Bo by the Gun Cabinet

Here is what is happening in America today: citizens grow obese; paranoia sets in; we all huddle in our homes, poor and alone, doing workout videos and cleaning our many, many guns, preparing for battle.

There's a recession on, have you heard? No longer can we afford our steroids and Gold's Gyms. It's all dumpster diving, "30 Day Shred" videos streamed over Netflix, and, to splurge, public workouts in liquor store parking lots:

Rex Weiner, 58, an unemployed screenwriter in Los Angeles, and his friend Victor Perez, 22, a manager at a liquor store, decided a few months ago that they wanted to get fit without spending a lot of money. He and three other friends sought a personal trainer to work them out in the parking lot in front of the Liquor and Food Mart, where Mr. Perez works...
[The trainer] says this is the first time she has trained anyone in a parking lot.

She will not last, with her mental weakness. America is turning inward, pursuing its destiny as a lean and hungry warrior nation. Why? Because the war is coming:

Purchases of guns and ammunition are surging across the country. Nearly four million background checks — a key measure of sales because they are required at the purchase of a gun from a federally licensed seller — were performed in the first three months of 2009. That is a 27% increase over the same period a year earlier, according to the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

No one knows exactly what is behind the gun-buying craze. Some buyers say they are stocking up for themselves in anticipation of new gun-control laws, while others say they're worried about deteriorating public safety as the economy worsens.

Race war? States rights war? Tea party war? Nobody knows yet. Prepare for everything. Do yer pushups.