Today's Celebrity News Reminds Us Why Paul Newman Was a Drunk

Today I'm mad at everything. Paul Newman's a drunk, Jennifer Garner's old, Andy Roddick's married, Emmy Rossum is a complete idiot, and Sarah Palin apparently had people "managing" her snow machine accident of a campaign.

  • Holy fucking shit. Are you guys sitting down? Or are you reading the internet in your kitchen, the laptop on the counter, your crumby sad bits falling into the sink and your cat looking at you suspiciously? If that's the case, get the hell out of the kitchen and into my breakfast nook because I have some goddamned news for you. OK. Good. Everyone settled? Here it is. I'm gonna lay it on ya. Paul Newman might have been... a drunk. Holy fantasticats, did your window just blow out? Is your hair standing on end like you just did some shitty science experiment in the Degrassi opening credits? Isn't that a mindfuck to end all mindfucks? Paul Newman, an old actor who is now dead, gets a full page treatment about how he was maybe a drunk. Newspapers = awesome again. Thanks, Page Six. You do good work. [P6]
  • Emmy Rossum, a nobody who was a celebrity for like three seconds a few years ago, likes firemen. "Handsome men! Handsome men!" she was heard yelling like a dog barking at a car when a firetruck drove by during a recent red carpet appearance. She then ran down the street, braying at them and waving her little handbag. When a pizza delivery car sped past she started yelling "swarthy men! swarthy men!" and doing her Dominos Dots dance. This continued for hours. After a cable repair van had gone by and she'd finished yelling "men with vague senses of failure! men with vague senses of failure!", Rossum was humanely put to sleep. [P6]
  • You know who's done with politics? Nicolle Wallace, the campaign adviser to a pile of logs that someone carelessly peed on, then threw an old suit over. Wallace just doesn't think that she can work for the pile of logs, which was given the human name of Sarah Palin recently, because it's just too damn much. Instead the insidious bitch is going to make fake-fucks with her Republican lawyer husband and have IVF babies and write a chick-lit piece of shit about career ladies until our eyes bleed and our hearts fall out. There is no sadder or scarier story than an item about Sarah Palin's former campaign adviser making miniature versions of herself. [P6]
  • Oh for the love of God. Here's a heartwarming story about shitty, ruined America. Some sad fucker who was a two-time American Idol cast-off—her name is Miranda Tozier-Robbins and she is from the helliest hell hole of all hell holes, Fitchburg, MA—was the one arrested recently for peering into Britney Spears' windows while she had camera equipment strapped to her back. We already knew that the damn Idol show was a shadow hut for horrifying scary crazy people, like the one who snuffed herself outside Perla Irdool's house, so this is just sad further confirmation. Do you think you can sing? Do you have a lot of time on your hands? Do you have a strange grudge/love for Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, or Simon Cowell? Well then you're probably going to find yourself in camo gear, lurking around one of their houses, three thousand miles from where your ass lives, because oh god almighty who the hell knows why. I hate you, America. [NYDN]
  • Aw, Spencer Pratt thinks he's people. The malformed star of The Hills has heard that famous people are doing things so he wants to play along! You know who Ashton Kutcher is? Oh you do? I'm so sorry. Well, he has a Twitter account and it recently got 1 million followers, which is fucking insane, and basically what had happened was that he bet CNN that he could do it and he did it and now... I don't know. Demi will shoot ping-pong balls out of her rusty bagina while Wolf Blitzer cries in a corner. I'm not sure. But anyway! What this means for Spencer is that he's decided to challenge Ashton to a Twitter race, make it a bet, and set the sad parameters before Ashton has even agreed. (Which he won't do.) If Spencer gets more followers in the next 30 days than dumb Kelso, then Hair and his Old Ass Wife have to wash Spencer and Heidi Montag's car, which is an old jalopy they bought from some red-headed dunderhead high school student named Archie. He had a boner and was talking about some chick named Veronica. Also! If Ashton and his Ancient Bog Mummy Bride win the Twitter contest, then Heidi and Spencer will clean their mansion. Spencer, this is basically like pooping in a stranger's foyer and asking for a receipt. You can't start a bet when the other person isn't in on it. That's not the way the human world works. Once again: I hate you, America. [Us]
  • Sizzling tennis star Andy Roddick got married to his longtime girlfriend last night. His longtime girlfriend? A 21-year-old model named Brooklyn Decker. Her asshat sisters, Bronx Fuckface and Queens Abagnale, were on hand as flower girls. [Us]
  • Jennifer Garner, a celebrity I like, doesn't want a big 37th birthday party, so cancel the clown. She just wants to do it simple: chillax in her big ass mansion with her movie star husband and their two improbably adorable children and watch the glimmergiraffes and the sparkleponies play water polo in the backyard, as they've been trained to do by their magical Azerbaijani spirit animal trainer, Dr. Lucas Grabeel. [People]