In 1974, the great Studs Terkel published Working: People Talk About What They Do All Day and How They Feel About What They Do. In 2009, Handbags Pratt, an idiot gypsy, finally went to work.
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In 1974, the great Studs Terkel published Working: People Talk About What They Do All Day and How They Feel About What They Do. In 2009, Handbags Pratt, an idiot gypsy, finally went to work.
And actually, isn't that subtitle just perfect for The Hills? People talk about what they do all day and how they feel about what they do. I mean, that's the show, right? That Terkel, man. He knew a thing or two.
Anyway. The episode.
There was a soft murmur in the air, like fairies reciting their Fairy Pledge of Allegiance, and then the gray clouds parted and there on her floating pennyfarthing bicycle made of wheat and cornsilk was Audrina, returning from Saturn to grace us with her strange, mewling presence. It was an exciting night. She showed up to do two things: first she had to close one chapter, then she had to messily start another one. First she had strange dinner conversation with young Lauren, about the Boy Watch and about how she's not really on it anymore. Lauren fingered her Boy Watch binoculars under the table and nodded gravely. I'll never leave the Boy Watch, she thought to herself. They'll have to take me out feet first. Anyway, what was means to say was Audy is moving past Justin Bobby, her coffee filter of an exboyfriend. So that chapter was closed. Or was it...?
On to Handbags. She went to work for Kelly Cutrone, and it went really, really well. And by really, really well I mean it was like watching HItler fall down a flight of stairs. It was funny and banal, but still evil. What happened first was that Handy put her drink on some random table and just left it, because she's a big baby wearing a blonde hair-bonnet who doesn't know how to take care of herself. So Kelly was mad about that. Then Kelly was mad that Hands had just thrown some garments in a box and yelled "work over!" So Bagsy just stood there dumbly while Kelly berated her and then she meekly offered dumb suggestions and she is just so fucking dumb I want to smack her. With that puffy, overly made-up face and that straw-like hair and that bewildered, spoiled expression. Ughhhh.
Back in the tinkly land of whistles and bells and merry-go-round horses that have come to life that is Audrina's mindscape, she was at the bump-clump, clurby-lurby club. It was loud and swirly and obnoxious like it always is on this show (and, I'm assuming, in real life), and guess who was there. Justin Bobby! What a coinkydinkins. Also there was Brody Jenner, the human form of Simba the lion all grown up with dyed hair, because Nala was looking for him and he just doesn't have any more pride in that rock and that shitty kid is shitty and he's still scared of wildebeests. So both dark-haired fellows were there and Audrina ping-ponged between them, her dull eyes twirling in their tawny sockets.
Brody kept flirting with her and that was weird and setting something up for a further episode. And Justin Bobby kept talking to her and oh what's a little teddy bear to do. She ended up having an actually semi-poignant conversation with JB about time and life and things and what it means to pat someone on the back and here it sort of ended, with everyone looking wistful. And haven't we all been Audrina before, pear-tree'd and caramel, chewy and confused about things, trying desperately to hold together both the treble and clef of life, to make music where there is only naturally discord. It's the great tricky experiment of living, dear Audrina! You'll get there! Though, not by going home with the Brodester. Which ya did. Bonk.
Back at Kelly Cutrone's sweat mine, Lauren was filing her nails and staring at Handbags as the twit gazed at a pile of work and mumbled quietly to herself. "Did you do all of it?" Lauren asked, clearly anticipating some horrible answer. Spencerina looked at Lauren confidently and drawled "Yeah. Sort of. But wrong. I did it wrong. So." Lauren smacked her forehead and did everything she could to not just come out and call her a raving idiot. So Handbags blinked while Lauren did her work for her and it was surprising that Lauren actually took the time to train at Kelly Cutrone's long enough to look competent when MTV came to film her "at work." For her part, Handbags just couldn't even pretend to care, smirking like an insolent little shit whenever Lauren chastised her. Really, I just love the scenes when Lauren and Handy talk about computers. It actually happens way more often than you'd think. Because they used to take a computer class together. Beep boop beep. Bleep blarp. Printing. Printing. I am printing. Computer. Beep.
So. That was the episode. What's that, you ask? Aren't I forgetting something? Something maybe about Captain Fleshbeard and his horrid squid bride Heidi fighting about things ("I have proof I'm not cheating: She's not blonde, and I'm into blondes. So.")? Well, I wasn't going to cover it because I hate them so and they are just so infinitely useless, but since you asked, here, a short play:
Heidi, Fleshbeard, and Therapist sit in a room. They blink for several minutes. Finally, Therapist speaks.
THERAPIST: So.
FLESHBEARD: So.
THERAPIST: You're here because... ?
HEIDI: Because my boyfriend's mother's cousin's sister's aunt's mechanic's fluffer's stolen Haitian child servant's grandfather's nephew's tax attorney saw Spencer at a bar talking to a bartender and being shady.
THERAPIST: This is all very high school.
Heidi and Fleshbeard are taken aback by the insult. It's at least sophomore year of college. Not that they'd know.
THERAPIST: Turn to each other.
They do.
THERAPIST: Take these pistols.
They do.
THERAPIST: Now shoot each other. Right in the face.
They pull the triggers, but are so overcome by their own stupidity and incompetence that their hands veer wildly and they both end up shooting the Therapist dead. They stare at her crumpled corpse for a bit. Finally Spencer tentatively speaks.
FLESHBEARD: So, um, do we still owe for the full fifty minutes?
End of play.
So that was the episode and next time more things will happen and Audrina will try to maneuver this unwieldy thing called Life and Handbags will probably set a model on fire or accidentally stab Joe Zee in a bar brawl and Lauren will continue the long process of undoing her mic pack and Fleshbeard and Squidlady will keep thinking that we think they're dramatic and the Therapist will still be dead and sometimes, when we're in the darkest corners of our minds as the next terrible episode begins, we'll envy her that.
Send an email to Richard Lawson, the author of this post, at richardl@gawker.com.
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