Father of Famous Children Starts Free Bernie Movement

Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal's dad wants Bernie Madoff released from jail.

We can't tell if this is some attempt at a wink-wink "Modest Proposal"-type deal, or just the rantings of a communist, but the Huffington Post apparently thinks that Stephen Gyllenhaal's poorly constructed thoughts, like Jim Carrey's views on vaccines, are worthy of our attention because he fathered two very pretty people (he's like a reverse Meghan McCain). Gyllenhaal wants Madoff freed. Why?

It's just not fair. He's a scapegoat, a distraction on the world's financial stage where the real sleight-of-hand-Ponzi-magic goes on unabated. Two trillion dollars — give me a break — you think this is the end of it? It's only the tip of the real looming Ponzi-scheme-iceberg which Bernie only mirrored on a tiny scale and that we're gonna sooner or later titanically hit.

Gyllenhaal describes himself as a poet. He is not! Here's some more metaphor mash-up craziness:

But nobody in Washington is prepared to point out the Emperor's nakedness because they're all pretty much in each other's pockets (not a pretty thought when you consider they're all naked as well) and appropriately terrified that once the imaginary silk and satin confidence game is shown up for what it is there'll be hell to pay and I suspect hell, being what it is, ain't gonna be taken in by no Ponzi scheme.

What? How can people be in one anothers' pockets? Would one person be in one pocket, which would then be inside another person's pocket? While they are naked! While we're at it—how do you titanically hit something?

Gyllenhaal's bio says he is "unqualified to write for this blog except that, as a citizen of the US —hell, as a citizen of the planet— he has as much right to speak his mind as the next person." Having a right is not the same thing as a qualification, Stephen!