Boy. It is going to be a really nice weekend, right? For a couple minutes until it's GROSS and HUMID as usual anyway. Hey, what happened this week?

• Meghan McCain has lots of gay friends (and lots of opposite friends!) and she is a "progressive Republican," which means a Republican willing to adopt the hot new Young People trend of words not meaning anything anymore. Like "torture." And "bisexual." (America has so many bisexual friends!)
• Elliot Spitzer's media rehabilitation hit a snag when he accidentally wandered into The Least Sincere Pumpkin Patch in the world.
• Shep Smith says America does not FUCKING TORTURE and yet we did? Why doesn't anyone listen to Shep Smith?
• Yes, the Hipster Grifter's MySpace page was basically exactly what you thought it would be. SHE IS STILL AT LARGE!
• Salma Hayek's emails, though, were not at all what we expected. She knows Charo!
• Oh no, Thomas Friedman's wife is broke! All because the world is too flat for malls, now. Now she and all the TARP wives will have to rob and kill hookers, on Craigslist. It is the only option in this new economy.
• Tina Fey has a very nice apartment. Even on the show, she has a really nice apartment! The TGS showrunner is apparently pulling down a pretty good salary! She remains the worst character on her otherwise wonderful show, but thankfully this week had lots of everyone else.
• Richard went on a field trip to watch Gossip Girl. John went on a field trip to stalk Jesse Watters! Usher went on a field to to the White House! We stayed home.
• Hey, Levi from Wasilla, you're on. "Hi, Larry, big fan of the show, and of hot teen sex."
• God, we're not England, do we really have to care about this? This is what the Tea Parties are about, people!
• Yeah, Lauren Conrad is done on Letterman. Oh well!
• Freedie Mac's CFO committed suicide.
• Yahoo's CEO swore. Like Shep, but not as cool.
• We are enabling some sort of Tribeca film fest Twitter thing.
• There was actually a third Starbucks on Astor Place, inside the Barnes and Noble, but that is not there anymore either. RIP.

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.