Great news, everybody. Dust off those old bird flu surgical masks and prepare for the End Times because eight mild cases of possible human swine flu in Queens mean only one thing: PANIC!!

The New York Times is saying that a few students at St. Francis Preparatory School in Fresh Meadows likely contracted the virus, which I imagine one gets by being friends or sharing toilet seats with pigs, an animal many religions agree is very dirty.

"All the cases were mild, no child was hospitalized, no child was seriously ill," Dr. Frieden said.

Don't sugar-coat this, Doc. We get it. We'll all be wiped out very soon by this virus that (I can only assume) turns people into pigs and, yes, the only hope for the future of the human race is for the Long Noses (that's their name for us) to start breeding, constantly, and repopulate the planet. Anyone in Brooklyn can drop me a private message if they want to join the Resistance.

[NYT: Students in New York Fall Ill]