Jamie Lynn Spears' Beau Recovering In Hospital After Escape AttemptS

News of Kate Winslet's butt, and of Heidi and Spencer's wedding. Which are sort of the same thing. Madonna welcomes Jesus into her heart, while Jamie Lynn Spears' boyfriend almost made it.

  • Were you one of the two high school boys commenting on Kate Winslet's "big, hot booty" while she walked down 6th Avenue in workout gear? If you were, she wasn't paying attention to you. Because she's British, and a lady, and so you'd need to say "madam, what a fine rear end" to get a wink and a "you cheeky monkey" outta her. [P6]
  • The Madonna-witch, still healing from broken spirits after her steed recognized her wickedness and threw her off its back, is being kept company by her man-child lover, Jesus Luz. Aside from the irony of a guy named Jesus hanging around with this devilish creature, the story is notable because Luz keeps getting work from slobbering designers like Marc Jacobs and Dolce & Gabbana not because of his cocoa bean good looks, but because they're all doing favors, sacrifices you might call them, for the Madonna-witch. Luz needs work permits to stay in the country, and I guess fashion modeling counts as work. Sigh. [P6]
  • Hugh Grant, who is near about fifty years old, was seen hanging out at a 23-year-old model's birthday party, along with other guests like the bewigged twinks from Gossip Girl. In other news, Divine Brown has been named the prime minister of France. [NYDN]
  • OooOOooO. Robert Pattinson, the shimmerfop from the Twiddlytwinkle vampire series, got into acting because his father once nudged him as pretty girls walked into a local theater and said "You've got to go to that." CreeEEeppYyy. [NYDN]
  • Casey Aldridge, the 18-year-old father of Britney Spears' niece, Maddie the Baptist, was in a car wreck over the weekend, and is recovering at a Mississippi hospital. The story is apparently that he was at a buddy's bachelor party and then some friends decided to go "crabbing"—in the middle of the night—and at some point he ran his pickup off the road and it flipped over. Oddly enough, when first responders arrived at the scene they found a duffel bag full of clothes, a large wad of twenty dollar bills and a map of Mexico in the glove compartment, and a fading hopeful gleam in the boy's eye. [People]
  • Ocotolady has been spending her time well, getting a tattoo dedicated to her 136 children rather than tending to her 136 children. It's an "angel with 14 stars and an infinity symbol" kind of tattoo, just like the ones Puerto Rican transsexuals get in prison. [Us]
  • Spencer and Heidi's wedding was "amazing". Hasn't that word lost all meaning at this point? People use it all the time now. How could Heidi and Spencer's wedding, in which the reality star lady was draped in one million dollars worth of diamonds, be "amazing"? We need a new word for what Heidi and Spencer's wedding was. I suggest "fluorbolical". [Us]