Go tell Isabella Rossellini that we've found the saddest music in the world. It's the sound of a dozen idiots chirping on The Hills. Last night, there was bible study. On The Hills. Religion!
There were two stories last night, the story of how Audrina got her groove back and the story of Spencer's spiritual awakening. Let's get lei'd first.
That's a funny play on words that people in Hawaii use, and it's a great, great old joke. Hawaii is a place of crashing surf and palm trees and, apparently, beery boy vacations. Brody Jenner and his posse of lame-o's—Doug the Burrito Heir, Frankie Delgado, some other lame dude—fled to the US colony because they needed a break from the sunshine and palm trees of Los Angeles. Brody was so relaxed that he couldn't even open his eyes. Relaxation and conjunctivitis! They are so similar! But then his hoppy stupor was rudely roused, because Lauren and the gang of girls showed up to crash their bromantic brocation. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if it really counts as crashing if the whole thing is part of a reality show—I mean, what, in that innocent world, were Brody and his boys to think of the cameras being there already? They already know that no one cares about them—but whatever it was, there were the girls. Of course after shots were poured and prides swallowed and insides knotted and tears blinked back, there was harmony finally in the battle of the sexes.
Or was there? After a bunch of coy flirting and feigning and fawning, Audrina was determined to be making sex eyes at Brody. Isn't that weird? Given that Lauren's already barked up that tree and Brodes is todes frodes with Justin Bobby and everything. But in this land of cameras and body shots and hot tubs, I guess propriety doesn't really matter. Audrina confessed to always having a "little crush" on Brody, who himself confessed to really super digging his girlfriend, Jade. And they kept talking about Jade, as if she were some fearsome, wrathful demigod! After Audrina was thought to be sexing with Brody in his hotel room, the wild-haired yet inexplicably made-up girls discussed this over not-bagels the next morning, it was determined that Jade will be angry. Jade will be very angry. I pictured some frothing crazy, like that Jade thing from that cycle or season or iteration or installment or whatever of America's Next Top Nobody, but maybe on fire. This Jade is a crazy dragon, a demonlady who won't shoot you or cut you or bash you with wood. No, she'll come tearing at you in a clawed frenzy. She'll rip the flesh from your bones with her bare, sharp hands. Jade almost doesn't exist she's so dangerous and crazy. Jade is going to be so mad, Audrina. She's just going to be so mad. Brody didn't seem scared, all dull and lazy there in his hammock. But he should be. I've been feeding Jade raw meat and playing Wagner really loud right outside her cage for weeks now. She's got a taste for blood and a German constitution for efficient murder in her now. She's going to kill you, Brody. She'll never stop until she does.
So that was Hawaii! The terrible promise of murder. Though I'm not really sure you can call what Jade will do murder. It's more like ritual, like karma made animate and mean.
Back in Los Angeles, Heidi and Spencer were doing their strange shadow dance and we were all watching, terrified and bored. The issue on the table today was that Colbyjack, Heidi's cheese boyfriend from Crested Butts, was in town for the purpose of TV making. Yeah, the producers got so bored and lonely that they decided to fly this Colorado dude and his malformed girlfriend in for the weekend. "Wanna go to a movie or something?" MTV asked, trying to be a good host. But no, Colbyjack and Tori Scott had other plans. They were to go to dinner with Spencer and Heidi at a place called Roman Numeral that was inside a James Bond villain's compound. Spencer was OK with meeting Colby, because he goes to a Christian college and is therefore a virgin. As long as he didn't rocket his way into Heidi's lukewarm pocket, then we cool.
And Colbyjack was a virgin, yes, but he was also much, much more. He was a real Christiany type, the type who goes to bible study and doesn't drink and has a girlfriend who thinks the Alphabet is the capital of Greece. Nice and country dumb, that one. Real Duggar dumb. So they had this dinner at the casino royale or whatever and Spencer asked probing, sensitive questions about their religious decisions not to let their privates touch and asked awkwardly if they drank and Heidi looked like she was going to poop herself because the whole thing was just... so terrible. Fleshbeard glowered in that way of his and a plan hatched. "Hey broseph, want to go boxing tomorrow?" Colbyjack nodded dumbly. Yes he did. And Duggar over there was just soooo thrilled to be on her favorite show ("I wonder what Heidi's going to be like!" she said not in a I'm-meeting-your-ex-girlfriend way, but in a I'm-meeting-a-celebrity way, as they tottered toward through the parking lot).
At the gym the next day, Spencer launched into another theological discourse. Again, about fucking. "Isn't it true, good sir, that if you don't use it, you lose it? Also, aren't your balls gonna fall off?" Things like that. Really sophisticated type stuff. Spencer punched strangely at Colbyjack, who just blinked dimly and said he'd find Spencer the bible passage that says the thing about not doing it and Spencer was like "OK, but, um, can I ask you a philosophical question?" Colbyjack considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Of course," he said. Spencer put his chin in his hand, leaned over, and pensively asked "So, what, is your cock broken or something?"
The next day everyone was sitting on white couches, reading brand-new, enormous bibles. No, they didn't die in a bus accident and ascend to heaven (unfortunately). They were doing an impromptu bible study! Tori was there saying things like "formicafacation" when she meant to say "knocking boots." Colbyjack gently corrected her and Heidi slowly gave birth to herself. Spencer pretended to be being enlightened. Or, no. You know? Spencer didn't pretend to be enlightened or whatever. Spencer was too busy pretending that he's on a sitcom. He's playing a character, based on himself, and he's playing it badly. This whole bible plotline was straight outta some weirdo TGIF lineup. After Sabrina (oh Nate Richert, wither?) and before Meego is The Family Fleshbeard, about a wacky, grumpy dad (Spencer Pratt, of The Hills) and his sad wife (Maureen McCormack). It's ridiculous and gross and no one's buying it, bub.
After Colbyjack and Tori skied off back home to the North Pole, Spencer and Heidi had an amicable chat at a roadside restaurant. "I wanna be more like him," Spencer said, not meaning it at all. "Really?" asked Heidi, trying to pretend to believe it. "He's great. He's righteous. He's got morals. I took the country out of you, didn't I Heidi?" Heidi sipped her iced tea. "Duggar dumb," she said. Spencer nodded. "Yep." He stared off into the sunset. "Duggar dumb."
Then Jade showed up and unhinged her jaw and ate their hair, then their eyeballs, then their lips, then she went for the arms, then the legs, then the feet, then the nipples, then the belly button, then the nose, then just the whole damn face and out on the street people walked by and they shouldered their bags and walked a little quicker and said to themselves "Oh, Jade."
And then it was time for lunch.