That's how you do Idol! I mean, that's how you do it. Manufacture "surprises" so people will keep watching a full hour of television that should only take five minutes. Did your jaw drop?

Of course, I'm referring to the huge, shocking surprise that TAYLOR HICKS IS STILL ALIVE. I know, America. We all thought he was carted off to the old folks' home like two years ago, where he died an anonymous, dusty, quiet death and was buried in an unmarked grave under a maple tree. But we were all wrong! He's been doing Grease and singing at Foxwoods, and now he's got some sort of new album out and he played the guitar and had a sad seizure on stage and Simon's blood probably boiled. Soul patrol!

Also performing to disastrous results was Jamie Foxx. I mean. Not that lip syncing to a heavily auto-tuned song about Al-co-co-ho-ho-ho-l is really performing. When did Jamie Foxx become such a twat? Not only was that awful song completely ridiculous, but after he spent all this yim-yammering time saying that the kids aren't "singers" they're "artists" (whatever in the good guacamole that means), he lazily and shittily threw in a plug for his new stupid movie for stupid people, The Stupid Soloist. It was just so mortifying, and Ryan's little snickering at the plug didn't help. One funny thing, though, was when Jamie Foxx was all "it really makes no difference whether or not you win this thing" and at that moment steam probably flew out of Simon and the other producers' ears because, um, that's not what you say when it's down to the all-important Top 5 and you want people to keep watching.

But, anyway. There was another dumb live performance by the kids and another regrettable Ford ad, and then it was time for the glittery bullshit of eliminating someone. Seacrest did his usual flimflammery: "You, go stand over in that corner under the blue light. You put one leg up like a flamingo and go stand by the snare drum. You rub your head and pat your belly at the same time. You get out of your car and into my dreams." So we had Allison and the Gokester on one side, and Kris and Mariah Girabaux on the other. For shizzy we all thoughtizzy that Ally and Gokey would be in the bottom two. Adam Lambert, standing there all lurchy and Frankenstein-esque in his grotesque skinsuit, decided that he'd side with Allison and Glasses. Ryan twinkled over, huge Megalith Adam towering widely over him, and said "This.... is not your bottom three. This... is your bottom three!" And he brought Adam over to Krissy and Mitsy.

Could you believe it? No one could. Gokey and Allison were stunned, agog and agape just like the producers told them to be. Adam "Lambo" Lambert was in the bottom three. Adam Lambert is a bottom! Hardee. Of course this was all silly manipulation to a) get us to watch til the end and b) make sure Lambo's legion of devoted beard girls will freak the fuck out just enough to vault him into the sweet, sweet glitter shower when this thing finally pulls into the station. Yes, because his life seemed (falsely) in danger last night, I think he's all but guaranteed a win now. So even though Kris was sent back to the Deliverance Davenport before Adam, I don't believe for an Indiana second that he had more votes than Belinda Bewigged. It just ain't possible. This was string-pulling at its most devious and bold. Some poor producer is going to turn up dead in an LA aqueduct, his mouth sewn shut, lest anyone else dare expose the wicked lies.

So, yeah. Micah Girabaldi and his mystical sixhead were sent packing, for the second time. He seemed on the verge of tears and Lambo seemed smug and typically pleased with himself. Allison seemed to know that she doesn't have a right tit's chance in the Amazon of winning the damn thing, so she's just going to be bemused. Kris... I don't know. He's hard to read. He's probably just thinking about Jesus. And Gokey, the whistlin' Dough Boy, still thinks he can pull this thing out, it seems. It'll be (not at all) fun to watch him try.

Only like... three more weeks or something, right??? That's crazytown. Remember Tatiana?

Yeah, neither do I.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony in American Idol History


Thanks to Mr. Alex Pareene for the text message photo he sent over last night, stunned and amazed.