Dennis Kneale
May 1, 2009 12:58 PM
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Did you know that CNBC is not a financial network? It is in reality a wacky summer coming-of-age movie. It's anchors are characters, and you, the viewer, are a mixed-up 14-year-old. Let's watch some clips:
Charlie Gasparino
The Bullying Older Brother. He's kind of like Bill Paxton's character from Weird Science crossed with Vinnie Barbarino. Watch him torture poor Dennis Kneale and hear him leave threatening voicemail messages for his sources. Look out!—he just put hot sauce in your underwear.
Erin Burnett
The Hot Sister. (We'd feel badly about objectifying Burnett that way, but that's all her colleagues ever do). She wants to go to college, but mom and dad think she should find a nice boy and get married. They just don't understand! The only reason your friends hang out with you is because they want to sleep with her.
Rick Santelli
The Angry Neighbor. He steals all the baseballs you hit over his fence. Stay off his lawn!
Mark Haines
The Drunk Uncle. Pull his finger!
Joe Kernan
The Class Clown. He hides his pain with humor. One day, you'll head over to his house and find his mom passed out on the couch with a bottle of vodka and some pills scattered around. But he'll distract you with fart noises and make a big joke out of it. Oh, Joe.
Dennis Kneale
The Geek. Alex P. Keaton with a receding hairline. He's putting his lunch money in the market, reading Atlas Shrugged, and patiently waiting for the day when he will make you all pay for dipping his retainer in the toilet.
It's Fast Times at Ridgemont High meets Network meets Wall Street. Will Erin go to the prom with Charlie or Joe—or will Chris Matthews come back from college to steal her away from both of them? Will Old Man Santelli ever relax? And what is that kookie kid Kneale doing down in his basement every night, anyway? Find out this summer at theaters nationwide.
[Clips compiled by video intern Dominick Caggiano.]
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