Mormons Send Prez's Mom to Heaven Against Her Will

The Mormons posthumously baptized Barack Obama's mom! Isn't that sweet of them? Sweet and creepy? Well, these things happen. This particular thing happens a lot, in fact.

See, Mormons believe no one gets in to heaven without being baptized—fair enough. They also believe you can be baptized after you're dead—sure! And further, they believe you can be baptized without your consent, after death, by proxy, by someone you never even knew. That is where you lose us, Mormons.

So some enterprising Mormon decided to baptize Stanley Ann Dunham, Barack Obama's late mother, just last June, despite the fact that she died an atheist back in 1995. The Church of Latter-day Saints is all "oh, whoops."

Mormons Send Prez's Mom to Heaven Against Her Will

According to "doctrinal background" provided by an LDS spokesman, "well-meaning Church members sometimes bypass this instruction and submit the names of non-relatives for temple baptism. Others - perhaps pranksters or careless persons - have submitted the names of unrelated famous or infamous people, or even wholly fictitious names. These rare acts are contrary to Church policy and sometimes cause pain and embarrassment."

Yes, it's so rare, and so embarrassing. It is embarrassing when someone gets ahold of the documents that show how not-rare it actually is, anyway!

Like how you guys keep baptizing Jewish Holocaust victims? And how they said they were going to stop doing this thing in 1995 and yet the committee formed—in 2005—to monitor it has met only once?

Look, Mormons, we don't care who you baptize, personally. We are just mostly creeped out by your crazy extensive "genealogical database." (But thanks for helping the family figure out which boat great-grandma Pareene came over on! That was pretty cool.)