Babs, you're the greatest, and so is your cross-section of fans. You instill pride in Jewish mothers and Grand Theft Auto: 4 players worldwide.

I'm specifically talking about your hardworking and loyal longtime assistant Tina Fortenberry. She recently got busted by the 5-0. Shit! She was sittin' on some yayo, maybe rockin' a little twack, and by the sound of it, packing some sap. Say what? That ish is so gangster, you haven't even heard of it before! But Funny Face, darling? One problem: she was just askin' to get caught.

"Police pulled over Fortenberry, 52, on the Pacific Coast Highway when they saw her vehicle had expired tags. When they searched her car, they allegedly found the drugs."

I mean, know you need a Girl Friday and all, but this isn't gonna work out for you. She clearly can't move across state lines - let alone the PCH - without gettin' picked up. Also, she's dippin' into the product. You might want to deal with that. Meanwhile, the economy's bad, job competition is tough, and you gotta work to keep business alive. Give me a shout. I know what I'm doing, here. Also, my mom loves you. Seriously.