May 9, 2009 06:30 PM
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New York, 10:20 AM
Wed Feb 10
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Like the family of Czar Nicholas II, the Gosselin clan of TLC's Jon and Kate Plus 8 are going down. Quickly. And it's gonna get uglier.
For those of you who've never seen the show or read shitty tabloids: Jon and Kate Gosselin were more or less nice, normal people. They met in college, had twins, and remained nice, normal people. They had sextuplets, and they were still pretty nice, normal people. And then they let some cameras in their house.
See, now: this is the part where you think they become shitty people. You think they probably put on their best faces for the camera and cutely undergo stressful situations in which they're edited to appear as if they eventually learn lessons which enable them to grow in regards to character (among other things). But the show wasn't like that. It was actually pretty decent TV. Because you could tell there were days in which Jon and Kate just hated life. His wife annoyed the shit out of him sometimes. He came off as oblivious, insensitive, thick-skulled, and lacking critical thinking skills to Kate. But while their most Loman-esque days were being played out in front of us, they still seemed to be a paradigm for a fairly healthy relationship in which people get on each others' nerves but can still love each other. But then you start to ask yourself: what happens when the kids grow up?
And then you have to wonder how often Jon and Kate ask themselves the same thing. And while things between them kept getting worse - signs of serious marital tension leaked through on the show, which is (mostly) about an extreme of parenting where the relationship between them is somewhat tangential, Jon and Kate were cashing in. Really: why not?
The economy sucks. On Jon's salary alone, they would've been deep-sixed by the fiscal burden of the kids. And I'm more than willing to bet that before the cameras got there they never thought of exploiting their children for money. Or maybe even after the cameras, before the show became a sensation, they never really felt (or even remotely considered) that they were exploiting their children for money.
But then Jon got a free hair transplant. They took a free vacation to The Canyons in Park City, Utah. I'm pretty sure, if I remember correctly, they went to Disney World, and Hawaii once or twice. And all we've done is celebrate these people for not being the Octomom lady or the Shamwow guy. Okay.
So they made a business for themselves. They turned their family into a brand. And you know what? Even that's okay. But it was when they showed up at Lincoln Center that I draw the line.
Jon's cheating on Kate somewhere around this point became inevitable; he was enamored with being seen as the most patient husband on earth (to me, even!) to Kate's anal-retentiveness. Kate was probably surging with the power of running a ten-person business where all the employees weren't only tenured, but imprisoned. And then the tabloid coverage, and now, Kate's passive-aggressive denials that her family - or business, like a good CEO would do - is failing.
Back to Czar Nicholas II, whose entire royal family was killed by Rasputin. In this case, Rasputin isn't TLC. It's not even US Weekly, or whoever the woman Jon is (or isn't) two-timing Kate with is. It's neither Jon nor Kate, who - always causing their own marital disquiet - aren't solely responsible for this either. We're all Rasputin (woah, man). Because after the show, after the Oprah appearances, after everything else: they're embracing the fame, the lack of intimacy, and letting us too far into their lives. And we went right there with them. Don't pass go, don't collect anything. And now: we're gonna watch them fall apart, too, or at least pretend not to. Their only hope as a family to not become a bunch of Yates characters is to figure out a way around the life they've built for themselves.
For those of you unfamiliar with Czar Nicholas II, where'd you go to school? Or: didn't you see Anastasia? Anyway, the point is: there're eight kids. At least one of them has to rise up, dissociate themselves with the bullshit exposure of both the show and their parents, and do something fairly interesting with their lives, maybe something that'll bring the family together. Or maybe he/she will forever hate their parents, and do something about it. Take revenge, maybe, the kind said to be best: a quiet life, lived well. Either way, you can't blame them.
Send an email to Foster Kamer, the author of this post, at foster@gawker.com.
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