Mother's Day, Professional Help Needed: I'm A Bad Son, What Do I Do?

So: let's say it's Mother's Day, and you're in a bind, because for whatever reason, you're a terrible son. What to do? Interview noted Mom expert, Postcards From Yo Momma luminary Doree Shafrir!

Doree was nice enough to stay seated at her computer long enough to stop counting the fat stacks of scrilla her and Love, Mom co-author Jessica Grose are raking in to help me with my mommy issues.

Okay. So: I totally flaked on sending my mom a present. Without plugging your book too hard, WTF DO I DO?! She's Jewish, and she's going to guilt me unless I come up with something solid.
well, the most important thing is to call.

Okay. And I shouldn't call collect, right?
that would be a no.

i was discussing this with my mom this morning in fact

because, even though i have now written a book that is of course the best possible present for mother's day, the irony (i think it's irony?) is that my mom was never a huge mother's day mom

she was like, when you were growing up i seem to remember you guys bringing me breakfast in bed

"but since your dad couldn't care less about father's day i felt like i couldn't make a big deal about it"

(my dad is israeli and doesn't really go in for these newfangled american consumerist holidays)

she was like, i'm fine with just some good wishes.

Okay, so, better question: how do I get my Mom to not care about Mother's Day? Enlist her in the IDF?
hmm, well it also helps for her to have a birthday that's really close to mother's day, like my mom does.

because then it's like kids whose birthdays are really close to christmas

you get a combined gift anyway

True. But let's say, uh, theoretically, I only did so-so with the birthday present.
since your mom neither has a birthday close to mother's day, nor is she married to an israeli, you might be out of luck.

In which case, I call and make a case for myself as a decent son. How do I do that?

then you are a bad son and all you can do is promise to atone for all your misdeeds on yom kippur.

but re: your question

i would call to wish her a happy mother's day and say something to the effect of, now that you're older and wiser you feel like you can really appreciate what a great mom she is, even if you were a little shit when you were younger.

etc.

flatter her

moms love flattery!

esp flattery about their mothering skills!

But I turned out like me.

So I should basically just lie to her?

yes.

Doree Shafrir's book, Love Mom, will make her money and your mom happy if you buy it for her.