Oprah Advises Grads: Get a Private Jet, Losers

American Poultry Queen Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement address to the starry-eyed, chickenless graduates of Duke University yesterday. Her message to them: I really love my private jet!

"It's great to have a nice home. It's great to have nice homes! It's great to have a nice home that just escaped the fire in Santa Barbara," she told the students. "It's great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn't great is lying to you."

What kind of fiend would tell you that having your own private jet isn't GREAT?!? Probably the type of dirty hippie who goes dumpster diving for leftover chicken scraps at KFC, only to find that they'd all been given away, to a surly mob of coupon-wielders! Get your own jet, hippie, maybe you won't be so bitter.

Educations!

[WSJ; Pic by AP. Incidentally Oprah was silent on the Chicken Riots.]