So Carrie California has been saved. Carrie Prejean, Miss California USA, was granted a pardon by the benevolent Donald Trump, even though she has tits and hates homosexuals and stood to lose her precious crown.

After his typical crazypants bragging about the astounding relevance of his various pursuits (Miss America is finished!) the Miss USA head honcho declared clemency for the crusader for Opposite Marriage, saying that she made a brave statement, the same one the president made, and that really people wouldn't have cared "if her beauty wasn't so great." She's pretty, guys. So she's totes cool to wish all the gay people were dead.


"Onto the pictures," he said, referring to the steamy photos of the child of God bearing her breasts in sexy poses. He said they were carefully reviewed—and, coming from him, I'm sure they were—and, you know what, it's the 21st century. If the pageant wants to stay relevant, they gotta move with the times, man. And the times say: let's look at some jugs. Hey Don, have you seen the new ones??

Bells rang in public squares all across New York and doves filled the air, only dropping their poop on Chelsea and Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill completely unscathed. A noble victory for Miss Carrie California, our most brave and straight-talkingest champion of Free Speech.