Notes to a Young Christian Gay Porn Star

John Gechter, the gay porn power bottom from a Christian college, is moving to New York. And now some helpful gay has written him a letter to help ease his transition. It's wonderful! And horrifying.

Gechter is leaving the leafy confines of Grove City College to explore life in the big, Eve-bitten apple, where he's going to star in a play and, presumably, do more power bottoming. The open advice letter, posted on Craigslist naturally, is one of those horrifying reminders that some of us big city 'mos really have no goddamned idea just what the hell is going on in our own community. The indispensable advice:

• Don't move to Chelsea. You'll end up plucking your eyebrows.

• The folks in Williamsburg will resent you for being employed, even if it's as a porn star.

• The kids in Hells Kitchen will want you because you're masculine.

• The men in the East Village will want you because you're boyish.

• The Latin studs in Washington Heights will want you because you're a bottom.

• The butchest ones will want you because they'll think you're a top.

• Some math: twenty-one yo online = eighteen or younger in real life, twenty-four = twenty-four, twenty-nine = thirty-five, thirty-five = forty-seven.

• Don't sleep with actors, directors, bartenders or your neighbors. You'll regret it, they're all psychos.

• Have sex with at least three hot, interesting people your first week. They'll be your closest friends for the summer. After that, they'll cut you off because their boyfriends are jealous.

• Learn to play pool and don't shave your chest.

• The Lower East Side coke dens are great places to meet broke coke addicts.

• Fashion parties are great places to meet borderline pedophiles who will offer you work that never materializes.

• Dive bars are great places to meet alcoholics who want to be writers and smell like beer in the morning.

• Become a casual smoker. It gives you an excuse to take someone outside a bar or club and see them in the streetlight well enough to decide whether you really want to sleep with them.

• If someone invites you to stay at their house in Fire Island (and surely they will), you're no longer obligated to put out. Those are the old rules. Just wear a Speedo at all times. This will entitle you to do all their drugs and leave wet towels on the floor.

• Dog ownership and alcoholism don't mix.

• Boyfriends are sluts.

• Careers and boyfriends don't mix.

• Somehow boyfriends, promiscuity, dogs, alcoholism, fashion, Latins and employment do mix well together. All that polarity crosses itself out and shit.

See you on the Battery Park lawn!

Yeah. We actually have no idea what half of that means, because we're basically monks at this point, so probably shouldn't be commenting on this at all. But that dive bar wannabe writer alcoholic thing we can confirm. That, um, definitely does exist.

Good luck, friend! See you outside Therapy. We'll be the ones weeping.