What happens to the delicate fabric of spacetime when stories in the same Thursday New York Times Style Section flow logically into one another in a perpetual, unceasing circle? We're about to find out:

Fauxtrend 1: "Everywhere you turn this spring, there are baubles that look like Jujubes, jellies, licorice, even rock candy." Therefore, Americans love candy. Which leads to...

Fauxtrend 2: Fat People Yoga classes. Therefore, fat Americans are so ashamed of their appearances that they prefer to retreat into non-judgmental cocoons, where no one will mock the way they look. Which leads to...

Fauxtrend 3: "The après-sport sandal - [which] will give athletes post-sport relief and address some of the shortcomings of the typical flip-flop." Good lord, nobody should ever be seen in these monstrosities. When fat people slip these on after their non-judgmental yoga classes and emerge into the harsh wider world, they'll be relentlessly mocked, leading to depression, leading to food cravings. Which leads to....[BACK TO FAUXTREND 1].

The end—or just the beginning??

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.