Sad lifejoke Lindsay Lohan was once, you may remember, a working actress. She starred in films such as The Parent Trap and the one about the schizophrenic peg-legged stripper. Those days might be back.
According to Star Magazine, a stapled together collection of glossy pages with colors on them, LiLo is slated to star in an "indie fantasy comedy" called The Other Side. Think of it as Hannah Takes the Stairs mixed with The Mummy and Zelig. I kid. It'll be much pornier. Per Star, "the plot centers on a graduate student who takes a summer gig working at a science research facility on a remote island. Once there, she comes across and interesting cast of characters." Though promising, this little indie "fantasy" comedy, faces some major hurdles.
Copyright infringement: I'm fairly certain I saw this exact movie on the Spice Channel back in 2002, when I used to order 10 movies simultaneously on my Dad's television in some sort of strange revenge. It was called something like Desert Dissertation Vol. IV: Anal Proctor
The Cast: Along with the esteemed actress, other cast members include Woody Harrelson, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. Combined, this trio once wrote, "Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. When you think everything's okay and everything's going right. Sweet like candy to my soul Sweet you rock And sweet you roll. A black man would rather miss than look bad."
Lindsay Lohan Is Uninsurable: This is the least fun but also the most serious hurdle. As talent manager Bernie Brillstein once noted, "I believe [Lady Lohan]'s uninsurable. And when you're uninsurable in this town, you're done." Simply put, who's going to put money on Lohan actually finishing this project as opposed to say, freaking the fuck out and re-enacting her own personal Grey Gardens, holing herself up with a Kilimanjaro of cocaine and cat pee? The answer is probably no one.
Will this movie, slated for 2010, ever get released? And if it doesn't, will the world still survive the calamity? Maybe, probably, respectively. But the world without a film about a wise-cracking Lohan graduate student on a desert island with Dave Matthews wearing a Pukka necklace and little else is a sadder impoverished dystopia.