Ted Nugent Is the New Mike TysonS

Ted Nugent, who was once famous for something but is now just a redneck curmudgeon. But in someways, he has a lot in common with Mike Tyson, the boxing great and knockout curmudgeon.

The former musician who lives in Waco, Texas was interviewed for a paper in Phoenix, a collection of drive-thru latte stands and regional theatre stages in Arizona. For some reason he got hilariously riled up with the interview, a hapless shmo named Martin Cizmar. It's like Deliverance but over the phone. Choice bits below:

UP: How do you make rock n roll and conservative politics fit together?

TN: How old are you, Martin?

UP: I'm 28.

TN: Then you haven't the faintest fucking idea...[Rush Limbaugh] had a prescription drug problem for a period of time. But, in the final analysis, is Rush in the asset column or the liability column. Did he learn from his mistakes or didn't he?

UP: I don't know. I don't know him.

TN: You call yourself as journalist and you don't know that?

UP: I don't know him personally, I don't know where he is personally.

TN:... Martin, I gotta tell you, when I see you I'm going to have slap the shit out of you. I'll buy you a mocha, then I'll knee-cap you. Because that is so soulless. What a far-reaching fantasy.

...Martin. Did you go to college, are you in college, did you graduate from college?"

UP: Oh yeah.

TN: Did they ever tell you about the Bataan Death March in college? Did they ever tell you about how the trains lined up in Nuremburg in '37 and '38 and took people to Auschwitz, to the internment camps, and then ultimately to their death? Did they ever tell you about the Japanese emperor who gathered up Japanese little girls for the army to rape and torture and murder so they could get in the right frame of mind for war. My point is: In the absence of the most evil moments in human history you can pretend those moments didn't happen, so you can pretend that certainly no human would ever force another human to be unarmed and helpless. Unfortunately, there are people in America, there are people in politics, there are people in positions of authority, who want to forcibly unarm, and force in to helplessness, American citizens. That's what this is all about... None of the politicians who want gun control - they can't claim ignorance - they all know that forced unarmed helplessness is a guaranteed victim orgy. They know that. So, they can't claim ignorance, they are either evil to the core or just deranged. Either way, they must be stopped.

UP: Hmmm.

TN: Hmmm.

UP: You believe that anyone that believes [in gun control] is evil or deranged?

TN: Evil to the core or deranged. If you would force me to be unarmed and helpless I would have to do everything in my power to neutralize you... Peace and love will get you killed. That doesn't sound like a hippie. Good try, Martin. You've gotta tell me, I want the words, say "Uncle Ted is the best interview I've ever done." Say it.

UP: Uncle Ted is the best phone interview I've ever done.

TN: Well if I was there in person with my short shorts on then you'd say it.

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