The Week We Climbed the Mountain of Hurricanes to Give Our Dreams a Hand

So much happened this week. Let's pause to reflect before you get blitzed on your summer drink of choice.

Barack Obama performed 100 abortions live on stage at Notre Dame's "Spring Fling" dance, and then he invented rock 'n' roll. A Huffington Post internship costs almost as much as a Yankees ticket. (Topical!) Internships at New York are free, but it helps to know or be related to the most successful and famous filmmaker alive. Maybe instead of internships the children of the elite should just buy ads? Someone's gotta pay for all our open bars, guys! Before we all become dead-eyed wraiths like Anna Wintour, wasting away at SeaWorld.

Patrick Swayze survived an attempt on his life by Twitter, the Silicon Valley equivalent of Pol Pot and the Nazis and a Gorgon. Meghan McCain and Larry King were both inappropriate, on TV. Rachel Maddow was understated and appropriate. Jeff Macke lost his mind. Michael Steele blah blah teabag joke sigh. Jimmy Kimmel made funnies.

The Gossip Girls all graduated from community college or something, who knows. New Jersey's Real Housewives beguiled and thrilled Richard, but don't worry: he is still totes gay for triangle-mouth. As is Clay Aiken, maybe? Who knows what he is on about.

30 Rock will be back on your TV just in time for the Thursday Weekend Update Election 2012 specials to preempt it. Eventually it will just be folded into the Jay Leno Variety Hour Brought to You by Tires Plus, which will eventually consume all of NBC's schedule that isn't currently occupied by Subway Presents Chuck.

Hey, one of the guys who helped Madoff with his little scheme might not be so much of an innocent victim! This is shocking news if you are the sort of person who isn't shocked by reliable regular million percent returns on your imaginary investments. Dick Fuld is selling his fancy house. He and his wife will move into a FEMA trailer. Ha ha just kidding they will still be rich. Dick Parsons has a secret love child. Scientologists continue to be everywhere despite the fact that it's really impossible to take them seriously. John Cook has still not successfully ambushed Jesse Watters. A Columbia student cried about something. And calm down, everyone, Craigslist is fighting for your right to party and play.